A Time For Change

Every little step

2011-05-08T12:52:00.001-04:00

I’m trying to make myself realize that just because I stumble, doesn’t mean I should throw in the towel. I’m human, and while at times my resolve is strong, there are many times that it’s hardly there at all. I will make mistakes, there will be days that I will give in to my desire not to exercise, and there will be days that I give in to the temptation of food. But I can’t let that define me.

I think I went on about this last year too, but I don’t think I was very good at seeing it through. I kicked myself for all I ate on my birthday for weeks. Of course, that was a terrible day all around, and by that point I already knew my marriage was holding in by a thread. And instead of saying to myself, “Well, I have the gumption to walk a mile or two, I might as well take it,” I decided to just do nothing, since I didn’t have the will to do something that would burn more calories.

Yesterday, in fact, I wanted to walk. I didn’t think I’d be able to go far, but it was a nice day. What did I do? As I was laying in bed, looking out the window, I told myself that I wasn’t going to walk, it wasn’t enough of a calorie burn. I would just have to get myself together and at least do some Turbo Jam. After I finished this sudoko. And guess what I ended up doing. Nothing. And I ate a slice of pizza. Add to all that, last night was crazy stressful at work, and I ended up eating three Milk Duds, and three squares of Ghiradelli chocolate. But I didn’t say, “You know what, I’ve fallen off the wagon, that’s it, I give up” like I have every other time. I had a salad when I got home, got up and walked this morning, and I’m back on track. And I lost two pounds this week (even though I’m up one from Wednesday). So I see this as a win.

Sometimes people amaze me

2011-05-07T12:45:00.001-04:00

I’m sitting here in Subway, working on an entry for this lovely blog that I’ve been plunking away at, and I’ve been half listening to this woman talking to the manager about how she wants to lose weight. She’s been walking, but while the way down her street is fine, the way back up is terrible; she needs her inhaler at least three times on the trip back up. And she wants to lose the weight around her middle, make breathing easier. Okay, great. If she wants to lose weight and is going to do fast food still, she’s in the right place. She places her order for her sub, gets roast beef, extra meat, extra cheese, and “lots and lots of mayo.” Seriously? Does this woman know nothing about weight loss? Dime to dollar, she goes home and eats the whole thing, all 12 inches of it. Let’s say about 500 calories of bread, 300 calories of meat, 300 calories of cheese, and probably about 500 calories of mayo. That’s over 1600 calories for lunch alone, and she wonders why she’s not losing weight. As an older woman, she probably shouldn’t even be eating that many calories a day if she wants to maintain her weight, forget losing.

I’m not saying this to be mean to this woman, it just gets me how few people know how what they eat effects their weight. People don’t understand that you can’t just go to a “healthy restaurant” and eat whatever the hell you want. It’s like they think that if something is advertized as being good for you, you can eat as much of it as you want. And then they get confused when they still are gaining weight, or at least aren’t losing it, and after the confusion comes the frustration, and then they say screw it, and give up. I’ve been there dozens of times.

On the complete opposite side of the scale, I have a friend who every time she wants to lose weight, she plans to eat once a day, a max of 500 calories a day, and exercise enough that it could qualify as a full time job. When she told me her “diet plan” I wanted to beat her.

The thing is, I’ve been a member of both these camps. I’ve figured that since it’s a salad I’m eating, it must be good for me, forget the fact that it’s drowning in a thousand calories of extra crap. And I’ve tried the weight loss plans that involve working out five times a day and starving myself. Obviously, neither has worked.

When I graduated high school in 2004, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was going to go to Cazenovia College, get my bachelors in Criminal Justice, find a school I liked just as much to go get my masters in Forensic Science, and finish off with my doctorate in Psychology. I was going to move to New York City, join the NYPD, work in the forensics lab for a few years, before heading off to Quantico to join the FBI, where I was going to work as a forensic profiler. I had my entire life planned out until retirement at the age of 16. However, when I started actually taking a Criminal Justice course, all those plans crumbled around me. I hated it. My life was thrown up in the air. What was I going to do?

My next thought was maybe I should teach high school English. English was always a strong subject for me, and I was very good at tutoring my friends. But I was thrown a curve ball. Matt asked me to drop out of college, only for a semester, so the time apart wouldn’t damage our relationship. And, being young and in love, and thinking naively that I’d be able to get back into school easily, I said of course.

Here I am, almost 25, with only a year of college under my belt. And to think that in high school, I was one of the bright ones that people thought was going to go somewhere. All this time I’ve regretted that decision. I’ve thought time and again that if I had said no, maybe I’d have graduated, maybe I’d be somewhere teaching snotty teenagers Shakespeare and helping them prep for their SATs. But the more time that passes, the less I believe that teaching high school kids is what was right for me. I don’t know that I would have dealt well with the students that didn’t want to learn. I’ve never doubted that I could do wonders with the students who felt like I did about English, who wanted to be there, were excited to talk about the latest reading, and who devoured each new book with gusto. But I had to face the facts that most students wouldn’t be like that.

I’ve spent the last several years bouncing back and forth with what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Maybe I wanted to be an ultrasound tech. What about a math teacher? I could be an editor at some publishing house. Or maybe an accountant at the main office of the grocery store where I currently work. Then last year, when I was doing all my research about how to lose weight, helping Matt with his diet plan, and debunking common nutrition myths for my family around the dinner table, I had an idea: maybe I could be a dietitian. I kicked it around, checked out the courses offered by one of the local colleges, but pushed the idea aside again when things went south this summer.

But today the idea cropped into my head again. I was at a workshop that I signed up for to improve my interview skills so I could maybe get a job at a bank. It was a huge step for me, seeing as I hate change with a passion, and my life has been nothing but change since June. But, I figured I had out grown my current job, and that it was time for me to start moving on to bigger and better things. So I was sitting in this workshop, one of only two people, listening as the teacher is talking about how if we get licensed in something, we’ll be more hirable. He’s going through all these online certificates that the state will help pay for, and how we can find which ones will be best for us to think about through an aptitude test, and I got the tiniest tickle of a thought in the back of my head. Maybe…. I take my test, and I’m told—again—that I would be good working with the public, assisting the public. Another tickle. I start to scroll through the jobs they suggest. And low and behold, what’s on the list? Registered dietitian.

I’m going out of state on vacation next week, so I won’t have time then, but as soon as I get back, I’m going to see if I can make an appointment to shadow a local RD for a day. Get a chance to talk to him or her, get their views on the job. But if this is something I decide I want to do, I’d be able to help people like that woman in the Subway today. I could teach her that things need to be done in moderation. I could help people like my friend, who think that starving themselves and working themselves into the ground is the way to lose weight. And I could help people like me. Girls recovering from eating disorders who just want to like what they see in the mirror for a change.

For the last almost six years I have resented Matt for asking me to make the choice between him and my future, as much as I tried to swallow that fact down. I resented him for being selfish, and I resented myself for not being so. But today, for the first time, I admitted that maybe it was for the best. If I had said no, if I had gone back to school, who’s to say that I would have found what I wanted to do? I might not end up wanting to be an RD, but I know for sure that I would have been unhappy teaching high school kids. And that would have been thousands of dollars in student loans down the drain, or at the very least spent to make me miserable. So, even though I preach it all the time, I am forced to admit that everything happens for a reason, and though we may not see that reason now, and we may not see that reason ten years in the future, it’s out there. We just have to believe.

So yummy

2011-05-06T18:00:00.001-04:00

One of the apps that I have on my iPod is called Spark Recipes. It’s all kinds of healthy recipes that include their nutritional information (although according to the Lose It! recipe section, the soup I made is off calorie wise). I found this yummy yummy soup, and decided to share. It’s super easy:

2 15.5 oz cans of black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 14 oz can of low cal, non fat chicken broth
1 cup of chunky salsa

Heat everything together, throw it in the blender, and blend till smooth. The recipe said that it made six servings at 122 calories each. By the time I was done cooking, transferring the soup into the blender, then out into bowls, I was left with five, one cup servings. And, according to how Lose It! broke it down for me, they came out to 177 calories each. Still, not bad.

While it was filling for only a cup of soup, it wasn’t filling enough to make a whole meal out of (and I often just have soup for a meal). I’m thinking though, paired with a salad or a sandwich, it would probably be perfect.

The more things change…

2011-05-06T00:30:00.001-04:00

So here I am, a year from when I started this blog. It’s amazing to look back, see what’s changed, what hasn’t. Last year I thought that I would be at my goal weight by now; 120 pounds and shopping for a bikini to wear this summer. Let’s just say, that’s far from the case. When things started going down hill between Matt and I, I went right back to food. I’d buy a cake large enough for six people at the bakery, just because I wanted the pseudo comfort that the chocolate gave me, and it’d be gone in two days. Sometimes less. I’d buy a doughnut at work on my break, then sometimes two after work. A half gallon of ice cream would be gone in no time, I was buying several a week. I realized as I started packing the pounds back on that for all my talk, all I was saying about how I conquered food, I had the tools to not only lose the weight but to keep it off for good, I realized that all was bull shit. And that unless I fix the root of the problem, the reason I keep turning to food, why there are times that I want nothing but high carb, high fat foods to help me heal whatever the hell is wrong with me, my weight will keep yo-yoing. If I’ve proven anything this last year it’s that sure, I’m good at taking the weight off in a short amount of time, but keeping it off is my issue. And I’m tired of going back and forth.

The thing is, I don’t know how to get to the root of those issues. I’ve no idea where to even begin. I get that I’m self sabotaging, I do that in almost everything. When I was in school, I’d wait until the absolute last minute to do my homework, sometimes not even doing it at all. When I was in college, there were several nights that I was up all night writing a paper the night before it was due. With my bills, I often wait until they are far past due until I pay them, even though I’ve been walking around with the money to do so in my purse for weeks on end. There was one month I had over six hundred dollars in my wallet, three shut-off notices on my desk, and rent was late. And the thing is, I don’t understand why I do this. I know it’s stupid. I plan things out so that I can get things done well in advance. I had my taxes completely filled out this year the day I got my W2s in the mail, but I didn’t file them until April. Even though I needed the money.

I’ve got Jillian Michael’s and Bob Harper’s books on hold at the library, hopefully they’ll have some insight for me. In the meantime, I’m hoping that maybe my rambling between here and my private journal at home will help shed some light on the situation. Because I want to fix this. I want to live a happy, healthy life.

So we’re doing the Well@Work thing again this year. It’s been four weeks, and I’ve lost 13.4 pounds so far. Down to 164.4 from 177.8. And I’m hoping that by trying to actually focus on fixing whatever makes me procrastinate and turn to food the way I do, that this will be the last time I say that. Fingers crossed.

Difference this time from last time, I’m not being quite so strict. As long as I exercise most every day, I don’t kick myself if I don’t feel like working out one day. I figure I’ll just burn out if I try to keep that up long term. And I’m not being so strict on my calories. I’m just trying to stay between 1200 and 1500, going up closer to 1800 on my high days.

So here’s to fixing myself as a whole, inside and out.

Day by day

2011-01-21T07:04:00.001-05:00

So I haven’t yet added in any exercise, but I plan to do that today. And my original plan of taking things real slow got a major shake up. My best friend is planning a trip to North Carolina this summer to look at houses (she’s moving there end of summer, early fall), and she’s invited me. So I’m going to be spending my 25th birthday on the beach (yay!), which means bathing suits (boo!). I’m still sticking with the idea of not setting a goal weight (as that just tends to put pressure on me), I just want to be as comfortable as I can be. I’m not planning on being bikini ready, I’m sure I’ll end up in a one piece and a sarong, but I don’t want to spend the whole time thinking that I look like I’ve been beached.

I bought a bunch of yogurts so I have things to munch on when I’m hungry, some fresh fruit and veggies, and a few things of SlimFast. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, it feels like cheating, on the other, I don’t see why I’m being so hard on myself. I really don’t have the money or the time right now to spend on making full, healthy meals. And besides, if I were to go that route, I would be freaking out over calories, and I don’t want that added pressure right now. I figure replace two meals a day with shakes, have healthy snacks when I’m hungry, and eat a healthy meal for dinner (I’m not even going to bother counting the calories, I know approximately what’s what). We’ll see how this works for me.

In the meantime, I’m worried about my sleeping habits. When Matt and I first separated, I would spend most of the night up; I just couldn’t sleep without him there. So I would be awake until 3, 4, sometimes 5 am, crash, and sleep until after noon. Eventually I got to the point where I could sleep without him there, but I’ve still been up until after 1 most nights. Actually, most nights I’m up until about 2:30, at which point I take a sleeping pill if I’m still up. Thing is, I don’t want to become dependant on them. When I don’t take them though, if I have a lot on my mind (which I usually do), I end up getting fitful sleep, tossing and turning, and waking up at the crack of dawn and not being able to fall back asleep. Like last night (today?) for example: I went to bed at 2:30ish, was up and down most of the night, and woke up at 5:30. Now I can’t get back to sleep. I know this is terrible for me, but I don’t know how to fix it.

Trying a new thing

2011-01-07T09:05:00.001-05:00

So, as I’m sure some of you have noticed, I have been absent for quite a while. I stopped exercising, went back to eating crap, and started to pack the pounds back on (though how many I’ve packed, I’ve no idea; I’ve been avoiding the scale). And even though I know I shouldn’t have, I feel I have a reason for letting my new health regime slip to the back burner.

Seeing as I was using this blog as a kind of cheap therapy, I might as well let it all out, or at least some of it. This summer, my marriage started on a downward spiral. Actually, if I’m totally honest, it started long before then, this summer was only the tailspin. I’m not going to go into the details, but I am now living with my brother, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to go from here. I do know that my relationship with my husband is over.

Anyway, this was much of the reason for my slump. I’m an emotional eater, and there’s nothing like a failed marriage to kick that into gear. Once I got off my diet, I didn’t have the motivation to keep working out. This quickly turned back into me spending all day on my computer again.

I’m trying not to think of this as a failure, but as just a rough patch. After all, I don’t want to lose weight short term, I want to live a healthier life for the long run. Which actually got me thinking, I don’t know if I was doing things the right way, going all or nothing. I mean, to make such an extreme change, all at once, doesn’t seem wise. Sure, there are some people who have to do things that way, but I’m starting to think that I’m not one of them.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my weight loss efforts of the past, and I’ve realized that they’ve all been dramatic. I’ve been consistently good at dropping a large amount of weight in a fairly short amount of time, but I’ve completely failed at keeping it off long term. I’ve been hovering in the 160 area pretty consistently since high school. In the past, I’ve reasoned with myself that this must be the weight that I’m just comfortable at, but I’m not. Not at all. I’m not comfortable with how I look, I’m not comfortable with my body, and I’m not comfortable with the extra fat that I seem to be carrying everywhere.

So here’s what I’ve been thinking: maybe it’s time to try something new. Instead of setting goals like “I want to be 120 pounds” or “I want to be in shape by December of next year” I’m going to set a new goal: I want to be healthy and happy with who I am. That’s it. Fairly simple goal, right?

I’m thinking the best way for me to go about this is in stages, seeing as the do everything at once plan hasn’t worked for me in the past. And I’m looking for all around health and happiness, not just weight loss. So I’m starting small. Right now, I’m getting into the habit of taking better care of my skin. Seems like a small, stupid, vain thing, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to do. I’ve always had dry skin, but in the past I only would use lotion if my skin got bad. I didn’t see the need to make it a daily thing. But shortly before Matt left, I decided that I was worth those extra ten minutes of pampering each day. And it’s amazing how something so small could help so much. I feel better about how my skin looks and feels, and I know that I always smell good without smelling like I bathed in perfume. Small, stupid step, but I’m happy about it, and it’s one I’ve kept up for over six months now, and that I’m going to keep up in the future.

I think that’s what I need to change my life around, a series of small, stupid steps that will, eventually, equal up to a bigger change.

I’ve been trying to decide what step to add in next, and how to add it. I’ve been thinking about adding in one of my exercise DVDs once a week (like I said, small steps) and going from there. Maybe after awhile I’ll start exercising twice a week, but who knows. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I want this change to be permanent, so if that means that it’s going to be a few years until I’m to the point where I was this past summer, then fine, I’m okay with that.

Day 97

2010-07-12T11:14:00.001-04:00

Weight: 149
BFP: 36%

I seem to have hit a plateau. *sigh* Figures that this plateau would coincide with my motivational slip. Pair that with computer troubles all this past week (I about went through withdrawal not having access to the net beyond my iPod) and some issues going on with my personal life, and this has not been a fun time for me. I don’t want to get into what the personal issues might be at this moment, but they could potentially hinder my weight loss efforts for a while.

I am trying to baby myself through this lack of motivation. I don’t want to force myself to go all out, as I know that that will only end up with me sitting in front of the TV eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. I’m keeping with the eating right and sticking to walking at the moment. I’m hoping that when I sort things out with the rest of my life, that I might have the energy to find the motivation I need to do more. And hopefully the plateau will break.

Day 91

2010-07-07T18:02:00.001-04:00

Holy mother of God, it’s fricking hot! It’s hotter here than it is in Florida. And I don’t do well with the heat. I’m just sort of laying in bed, sweating buckets, drinking even more. I like to think that my body trying to keep my temperature normal is burning enough calories that I don’t need to be up moving around. I’m going to go for a walk after dinner, closer to sunset. I might even go after sunset, just do more loops on a less traveled, better lit route. Even after sunset, it’s only supposed to get down into the high 80s. Ridiculous. I’d buy an air conditioner, but almost every store in the are has sold out.

I bought a new work out top. This one has smaller straps in a halter-like style, so I’m hoping that my tan lines will look more normal. Right now I have tan lines in the shape of a wife beater. Not cute. Actually, I’m surprised I’m tanning at all, normally I just burn.

I still haven’t come up with a refined work out schedule yet. Right now I’m mostly walking. I think I have Friday off, so I’ll sit down and try to work something out then.

Day 90

2010-07-07T00:05:00.001-04:00

Weight: 149
BFP: 36%

So my day off yesterday was great. Matt and I went to see Eclipse, then came home and snuggled in front of the TV. I have no idea how many calories I ate, nor do I really care. I ate what I wanted, but I ate in moderation. I had a good time, and I wasn’t freaking out over how many calories I ate (like I did on my birthday).

I’ve been thinking about this day off/high calorie day thing. I think it’s something that I need, so I don’t go nuts trying to lose weight. So I was thinking about how to do it, and I think I came up with a plan. I’ll only take a day off on special days: holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, St. Patrick’s Day, Valentine’s Day), my birthday, and our anniversary. Not sure if I want to do this for both anniversaries (marriage and dating), but I have a year to kick it around. That’s 8 free days a year, don’t think that’ll kill me.

Day 88

2010-07-04T23:25:00.001-04:00

So I was thinking about things, and I decided to take a day off today. I’m not putting anything in Lose It!, even though normally I would say add it in and deal with being in the red. But on my birthday I was so freaked out about being over, about seeing that number, and I totally stressed over it. My high calorie day turned into a high stress day as well. I’m not over doing it, though. I had a yogurt with some cereal stirred in for breakfast, a Lean Pocket for lunch, and a ham and Swiss wrap for dinner. For my snacks I had some low fat ice cream and a doughnut. Honestly, I’m probably under calorie today.

I’ll probably do the same tomorrow. It’s my sort of anniversary. Five years ago tomorrow, Matt asked me to be his girlfriend. We don’t officially celebrate it any more, as we’re married now, but we’re going out to see a movie. I’m not big on movie snacks, but if I want to have a small popped corn, I don’t want to freak out over it. I’m trying to find a way that I can make this sustainable, because I do not want to gain the weight back again, and I still have more I want to lose. So if that means that I have to take a couple high calorie days to reset and de-stress, then so be it.

Day 87

2010-07-03T00:44:00.000-04:00

I’m starting to really lose motivation, which worries me. I’m still eating right and working out, but not as well as before, and now it’s more out of obligation than anything. I weigh 20 pounds less right now than I did when I graduated from high school, which is great, and it makes me feel like crap for losing the get up and go. *sigh*

Day 86

2010-07-02T23:16:00.001-04:00

So the final weigh in for the 8 week challenge was today. She thinks I probably will win for the store, lord knows how I’ll place for the whole thing. I hope I at least make the top 50, making the top 25 would be great. I know I placed 8 in my zone, but who knows how many total people were participating, and how many are in the whole thing.

I need to look at my workout schedule tomorrow, rework things. I also need to look at my calories. I was so hungry all day today and yesterday, and that’s not right. The one thing I can’t stand is being hungry all the time. Well…that and being in pain.

Day 85

2010-07-01T23:55:00.001-04:00

So I kind of took today off. I was just so tired, and tomorrow is due to be worse. Typically I change tills through out the night and only have one at 9 that I have to do, as I’m supposed to be out of there by 9:30. Tomorrow, though? Tomorrow is a 9 to 9 day, which means that the store promises that every drawer will be open and running from 9am to 9pm. And this means that I have at least 6 drawers to change after 9. And no idea when I’ll be leaving the store. *sigh*

Tomorrow’s the final weigh in for the first 8 weeks. Wish me luck! From now on I won’t have to be weighed at work until December.

Day 84

2010-06-30T10:54:00.001-04:00

So today I slept in. Didn’t get home until almost 3. And eating wasn’t as bad yesterday as I feared. I went to Burger King, got the Whopper Jr. without cheese for 340 calories and the apple fries, which were 25 (I threw the caramel away). Then I went to Wal-Mart, got some of that dark chocolate that I love and some gum, threw the gum and four pieces of chocolate in my purse (I only ended up eating two). I had a small Diet Coke at Burger King, and two jumbo Diet Pepsis at the theater (most of that was drank while waiting in line for six hours). I almost got a small bag of popped corn (just under 500 calories), but a girl in line behind me bought a bucket and offered me some. I had a piece and realize that it wasn’t what I wanted. So yay!

Today I’m just going to go out for a walk. I work in the new store today (4-11, eek!), and between being opening week, the Wednesday before the 4th of July, and being in a huge tourist town, it’s probably going to be a busy night.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with my MWFs. One reader suggested that maybe I was running too fast, but I doubt that was the case. I more trot than ran, but I don’t know. I might try again Monday, this time with a different route, see if that makes any difference.

Day 83

2010-06-29T13:01:00.001-04:00

So tonight’s the opening of Eclipse, and I’m too hyped up about that to think about much else. I’m going to be leaving in a few hours to run some errands before parking my tush in line for at least five hours. I think I might walk an hour on the treadmill before leaving.

I’m going to eat a giant salad before I go, but I’ll probably end up eating some sort of fast food. I’ve been looking online to see what I could eat from the restaurants in the area. My options are McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Subway. Subway’s the obvious option, but that branch is rather skuzzy. Who knows what I’ll catch from eating there. So I’m searching online to see what the healthiest foods at each place are, go into this well armed with information. I’m also thinking about what sort of snacks I can bring with me so that I won’t be tempted by the munchies in the theater. I’m going to get a large diet soda, so I know I’ll be bloated as hell tomorrow, but the water at the theater runs about three bucks for a small bottle. And I can pound one of those no problem.

The places for the weight loss/wellness challenge mid-way point were released the other day. I won both for our store, and placed 8th in our zone for the weight loss and 4th in our zone for wellness points. No idea where I place compared to everyone in the store. So yay for that. I get two $25 gift cards for winning for the store.

Day 82

2010-06-28T14:06:00.001-04:00

Weight: 148
BFP: 36%

Yay! Even with a crazy high calorie day on Wednesday, I still dropped 4 pounds this week!

So today Matt and I drove a couple towns over to pick up this treadmill that this guy had out for free. The display doesn’t work, but the rest does. It’s great, I used it today while watching Twilight. It’s a little louder than I’d like, but really, I can’t complain. I prefer walking outside, but it will work well for the yucky days and during the winter.

I didn’t do my C25K training today. I don’t know. It seems like three minutes is all I can run without feeling like I’m going to die or my knees are going to break. I think I’ll try doing something else on my MWFs, maybe the Nike training program. At least for a while.

Day 81

2010-06-27T11:12:00.001-04:00

So I cheated (kind of) and hopped back on the scale today. Holding steady at 149, which is great. I think I’m going to set another goal. I want to be at 140 by my anniversary (August 16). That’s just over 6 weeks away, which translates to losing 1.5 pounds a week. I can do this!

I’m getting all excited. I feel like I’m in the final stretch. I’ve reached my half way point, it should be all down hill from here, right? But I know that’s not the case, that the part that’s behind me was the easiest part. It will only get harder from here. I just have to stick with it and the pounds should keep coming off. A little more slowly, but they should still drop. I’ve done my research, I know the concepts, and I’ve done the math, so I shouldn’t encounter too many stumbling blocks. I just have to keep recalculating my BMR and AMR, and stay in that range, and I should be fine. I hope.

Day 80

2010-06-26T11:38:00.001-04:00

So I did my C25K training today. Aren’t these things supposed to get easier, not more difficult? I’m thinking maybe I should change up my route again or something, because I had a hard time getting through today. I mean, it wasn’t as bad as the first time I tried week 3, no where near, but it was still a little more difficult than it had been. I’m going to try taking a different route on Monday, and maybe starting week 4 again. Maybe that’s the kick in the tush that I need.

So I took my heart rate monitor on my walk today, and it was quite useful. It also has a thing that tells you how far you’ve walked and how many miles per hour you’re walking, and I think I used those more than the monitor itself. I’d check my speed, and if it dipped below where I wanted to be, I upped the intensity. And made it back in an hour and thirty minutes. It used to take me that to walk the four mile loop.

I was thinking the other day, back when I first moved here with my mum, we walked a couple times, just up to the end of the street and back. One day we went further, almost three miles, and I thought I was going to die. She suggested that maybe one day we could go even further, out over the highway, and I told her she was nuts. There was no way I could ever walk that far. Well, that’s the loop I’ve been walking four times a week. I’m amazed at how far I’ve come.

Day 79

2010-06-25T12:34:00.001-04:00

I know I keep saying this, but I’m so amazed I’ve made it this far. Sure, I’ve had slips and tumbles, days when I didn’t want to exercise and days that I ate things I shouldn’t have, but that’s life, that’s part of the game. And next week is our final weigh in for the 8 week challenge, which is just nuts. I’m down almost 30 pounds, there’s no reason I can’t win this for the store again this year. And who knows, maybe I’ll place for the whole thing. Thing that worries me is, since the first weigh in, on their scales, I’ve gone from 175 to 149. That’s 15% of my body weight that I’ve lost. But with the weigh in that they were counting for the challenge, I’ve gone from 162 to 149, which is only 8%. Last year the top person lost 15%, and the next person in line lost 14%. If I stick with this like I have been and I can get down to my goal weight by the end of the next 12 week challenge (December 12), I’ll have lost 42 pounds over the course of the challenge, which is 26% of my original weight. Now as we’ve never held an additional 12 week challenge, I’m not sure what kind of numbers everyone else was pulling, but I guess we’ll see. If I don’t win the grand prize, I’ve still lost a lot of weight (33% since I’ve started once I reach my goal), and that’s all that really matters.

Since today is Friday, I had planned to do my C25K training today. But I slept in, and that would have made my time really tight. On top of that, my knee was bothering me today. So I switched today’s workout with tomorrow’s. So today I did Turbo Jam.

I don’t remember if I’ve talked about my history with Turbo Jam or not, but here it is. Matt and I had seen the infomercials for Turbo Jam for ages, and we’d always said that we should get it. But, like most things, we never did. So last year when I was doing the weight loss challenge at work, Matt and I decided that we would finally buy it. We split the cost, went online, and ordered the product. It came about a week later, and I opened it up, like a kid at Christmas. I was so excited to get to it, that I skipped my usual process of watching a new exercise video before using it. How hard could it really be?

I thought I was going to die. I stopped the DVD not even half way through, wheezing and panting and trying to find my inhaler. That was so not fun, the liars. It was forty minutes of torture with a bouncy, smiling, blonde devil yielding the whip. I tucked the DVDs aside and promised myself that I would try again when I was more fit.

And there they sat until a month ago. I tried again, and this time I was ready, having watched them first. I brought down my intensity, tried not to call it quits during the Turbos (high intensity intervals), and limped my way through. That wasn’t so bad. Aside from the Turbos, it was kind of okay. Not so enjoyable that I did it again, but okay.

Well, today I popped in the Fat Blaster DVD, which is all Turbos. Each Turbo is done twice, once at a lower intensity to learn it, then once at full intensity. And you know what? I had a blast. I was smiling despite myself, giving it all I had, and for once doing something that resembled what the high intensity people were doing. I’m still amazed. How much I sweat was gross, but that’s a good thing, right?

So tomorrow I’m going to do my C25K. And I think I’ll change the route again, see if that makes things any easier.

Day 78

2010-06-24T13:47:00.001-04:00

So yesterday…let’s just say I’m going to stop celebrating my birthday on even numbered years. On the up side, I got a heart rate monitor, new shoes for work that are similar to the Reebok Easy Tones, and a thing of pepper spray incase that damned dog tries to eat me again. I did go more over my calories than I had planned, but on the upside I didn’t use it as an excuse to blow the rest of the day. And today when I hopped on the scale it only read 150. I’m going to stay away from the scale until Monday, though. Well, I’ll try.

When we were waiting for the time between lunch and our movie to pass, Matt took me to the mall. I decided that while I wouldn’t buy anything just yet, it might be fun to try some clothes on, see if I’d dropped any sizes. Boy, was I disappointed. Everything was large. And the size 13 pair of jeans I tried on that I was sure wouldn’t fit, fit perfectly on my waist, but were about six inches too long. I know every designer cuts their sizes differently, so it’s normal to have a little difference in sizes, but I’ve lost almost 30 pounds, I kind of expected to go down at least one size. Now, it’s true that I haven’t really bought clothes since I crossed the gap between 160 and 180, but now I’m 150, 10 pounds should be at least some kind of size difference, right? I know the clothes I had been wearing fit differently, but is that because I no longer fit into that size, or did I stretch these clothes out? I’m not the type of person to squeeze myself into too small clothes, so I didn’t think that was the case, but who knows.

Day 77

2010-06-23T10:30:00.001-04:00

So I got on the scale this morning, and it read 149. So I not only made my birthday goal, but I reached my half way point as well. Only 29 more pounds to go.

So today’s my birthday, and I decided as a gift to myself, I won’t worry so much about calories. I’m still going to count and log, but I’m going to have what I want today, and if I’m over by a few hundred calories when I go to bed tonight, that’s fine. So I’m going to get on that.

Day 76

2010-06-22T12:08:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was great. I got to really sit and talk with my grandfather, something I haven’t done in years, and I got to see my dad and grandmother again. My grandfather took my dad, my step-mom, my step-grandmother, and myself out to dinner at Red Lobster, which apparently isn’t a bad place to eat. Everything on the menu was in Lose It!, so it made ordering easy (though I was teased some). I had shrimp scampi with steamed broccoli instead of a potato (with a lemon wedge to season instead of butter or salt), the garden salad (again with lemon wedges instead of dressing), and two Cheddar Bay Biscuits, all for 650. And I got to clear my plates! Which was good, because I was famished. Originally I only planned to have one biscuit, but my dad offered me a second, and they were so yummy. All that and I still finished my day under calorie, even before my exercise.

However, I hit a snag late last night. I had this strange dream that I was eating an ice cream sandwich last night. Sure enough, I woke up this morning and checked, and there’s one less in the package. Sleep eating is something I’ve done for years, right along with sleep walking. Sure, the ice cream sandwich I ate last night was only 160, and we don’t have much by the way of crap in the house any more, but what if I had eaten more? Or what if I hadn’t remembered the dream? I’d try baby proofing the fridge, but I’m sure I could get through that in my sleep. When I was in college, I frequently left the room while sleep walking, went to stand in the bathroom or the common room until someone walked by and told me to go back to bed, then went back to my room, unlocking the door to get out and relocking it when I got back in. Mind you, my bed was lofted, so I had to find the ladder as well. The stories my roommate would tell me.

I’m trying to decide what to do tomorrow. A part of me wants to stay in calorie, add everything in, and go through yesterday like I would any other day. But another part wants to just not care about dinner, since it’s my birthday and it only comes once a year. I think I’ll split the difference, order what I want, track it in Lose It!, and not go out of control, but not freak if I go a little over calorie. I’ll just work out really hard on Thursday.

Day 75

2010-06-21T09:54:00.001-04:00

Weight: 152
BFP: 36%

So at least I lost this week. Doesn’t look like I’ll make my birthday goal, however. Two pounds in two days is sort of pushing it. But maybe I’ll make it by next Monday.

I had a brain wave this morning. I was listening to Jillian Michaels’ podcast yesterday, and she was saying how you needed to have something on your stomach before working out, because your body needs sugar (she either said glucose or glycogen, I can’t remember) to burn when you work out, and if there’s none readily available in your blood (which there wouldn’t be after a night of not eating), then your body will start breaking down muscle to get it. Which I don’t want to happen.

So I was thinking about what I could eat that wouldn’t make me sick again (I did not want a repeat of last time). It was down between a couple strawberries and a handful of pecans, or a yogurt, and then it hit me, I could just cut a Luna bar in half and eat that. So I did. 90 calories, 14 carbs, and 4 grams of protein, and I didn’t get sick. I figure I’ll play around with things, see what works best for what.

I’m driving up to see my grandfather today. Same driving trip as Friday. Wish me luck!

Day 74

2010-06-20T12:43:00.001-04:00

Well, I couldn’t get a hold of my grandfather, so I’m not sure if I’m going to visit him tomorrow or not. I had wanted to change my oil today (get that goal crossed off my list), but Matt went to a friend’s house, and now I’m watching Star Wars, so that’s not going to happen today. Maybe if he comes home soon, I’ll pause the movie and finish watching it when I get home. But I really wanted to watch it today, it’s my favorite one. Oh well.

I went on my 5 mile walk today (everyone I tried to call wasn’t home), and did 30 minutes with weights when I got home. It was great. I’m hoping that my new schedule and eating plan will pay off with this week’s weigh in. This is the first full week where I’ve changed things, so we’ll see.

I’ll probably record another video sometime soon. I noticed today when I was working with my weights that my face looks thinner and my collarbones are more noticeable.

Yesterday was rather…odd. The customer at work who commented on my weight loss and told me I looked good the other week was in again. He tried to wait around so that I would be the one to help him. I was busy with other customers, so he let the other guy help him, but still hung around. He came up to me and asked if I was still on my plan, told me I looked gorgeous, and that I should think about going to a modeling agency. He only left when I had more customers come up. It was creepy. There are a few old guys who fixate on one of the girls and just this side of stalk them, so I hope I haven’t gotten one of those.

Day 73

2010-06-19T12:16:00.001-04:00

So yesterday I drove up to see my dad and grandmother. And it went well. I was a little nervous, but I think I know the area well enough that I was fine. And I’m planning another trip for Monday.

I eyeballed what I was eating, since I wasn’t about to weigh out how much fish was on my plate, and I managed to keep within calorie fairly well. Even when my step-mom brought out a birthday cookie for my dad and I, I only had a small sliver.

However, on the way home I stopped at the half way point to get out and walk around. It’s something I have to do because of my back (if I sit still too long my legs go numb). So I’m walking around the car, looking at the McDonald’s drive through menu, sorely tempted to go in and order a chicken club sandwich. But I didn’t. I ate the apple in my purse instead and decided I’d have a spinach salad with cheese and ham when I got home. Maybe I’d throw some pecans there.

I called Matt to let him know where I was, and over the course of that conversation got extremely pissed off. And how did I handle my anger? Did I take a few deep breaths? Nope. Did I jump around and scream? Nope. Did I drive to the grocery store next door, buy a cookie, and snarf it in my car? Yup. *sigh* I was still within calorie for the day, but the fact remains that it’s reacting like that that put me in this situation to begin with, I need to stop doing that. I don’t even remember what it was that upset me it was so trivial. Yet I couldn’t handle feeling the emotion, so I ate.

I’ve never been one to deal with my emotions. I stuff them down or I eat through them, and then the point comes along when I just snap, and that’s never good.

Day 72

2010-06-18T10:25:00.001-04:00

I switched back to week 3 in my C25K training today. For some reason I just couldn’t even do the first five minute run. So I went through week 3 again, and didn’t pause it for that damned hill. I ran up the thing. I think I might keep training on week 3 until the hill doesn’t about kill me, then I’ll go back to week 4 again. I was hoping to be done with my training so that I could run in a local 5k this October, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

I’m driving up to see my grandma and dad today. Father’s day is Sunday, my dad’s birthday is Tuesday, and my grandma wanted to see me for my birthday, so I figure I’m killing three birds with one stone. I’m just nervous, because I haven’t ever driven that far on my own (it’s about 2 hours), nor have I driven in such a populated area. My grandma lives in the outskirts of one of the state’s larger cities. But, if I get in the right lane coming off the highway, I’ll be fine. Worst case scenario, I pull into a parking lot and turn around. I know the area fairly well, so I don’t think I’ll get lost. But, just in case, I’m bringing the GPS.

This first year of having my license is showing me that I can do lots of things I never thought I’d be able to do (like driving on the highway). It’s just another little thing that proves that if I set my mind to it, I can do anything I want. Anyway, wish me luck!

Day 71

2010-06-17T07:43:00.001-04:00

I’ve found I’m starting to lose motivation. I don’t know if it’s because my weight loss has been a bit rocky these past couple weeks or what. And that makes me feel terrible. I mean, I have the gumption to do this when things are going well, but when things start to get a bit difficult I flake? So I think it’s time to go over why I’m doing this.

I don’t want to be the fat mom that the kids in school make fun of. I dealt with a lot of “your mom’s so fat” jokes when I was in school, and I don’t want my child(ren) to go through that.
I want to lose the weight now when it will be easier instead of waiting until my metabolism has slowed any more.
I want to avoid all the health problems that run in my family. Diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cancer, depression, joint problems, the list goes on and on.
I hate taking my daily vitamin, so I’d really like to take as few pills as possible down the road, thanks.
I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
When Matt asks me if I’ll do something, be it going swimming or wearing a skirt, I don’t want to say no because of my weight.
I don’t want to dread going shopping for clothes.
When I have children, I want to be a good example for them.
I want to be comfortable with having the lights on and being on top. I’ll even take them separately for now. Fact is, I should be in the moment, not worried if Matt’s grossed out my my fat giggling.
I want to be able to order what I want in a restaurant and not be worried if the waitress is thinking, “Yeah, that’s the last thing she needs.”
I want to be able to walk up in front of a room of people and not wonder if people are watching the fat girl.
I want to be able to tell Matt the next time he asks me how much I weigh.
I want to avoid miscarriage. They are more common with overweight people, and they run in my family.
I want to be happy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to really live my life.
I want to be thin. If for me that’s being 130 and a size 10, I’ll take it.

Day 70

2010-06-16T11:22:00.001-04:00

Okay, so the day has come, yet again. Today is measurement day. I have to admit, with the recent goings on with my weight, I’m a tad nervous.

Chest: 40.25
Waist: 34.75
Hips: 39
Thigh: 21.25
Bicep: 11.25

So my chest has gone down a quarter inch, my waist three quarters of an inch, my hips remain the same, my thigh has gone down half an inch, and my bicep has gone down 1.25 inches. So the overall loss in the last month has been 2.75 inches. And I’ve lost 10.25 inches since I started. Not bad.

Although I’m pleased with my progress, I’m beginning to get antsy. I want to be my goal weight now. Where’s the fun in reaching my goal weight right as we have to start covering up with bulky sweaters? But I know that I can’t rush this, not while remaining healthy. I’m just getting to the point where nothing fits any more. And I don’t want to go buy new clothes when I know I’ll just have to do it again in a few months, but getting dressed to go anywhere has become even more of a chore than it was when I was trying to hide myself in the best way possible. I don’t want to wear, “Oh, look at me!” clothes yet, but I’m tired of wearing baggy things that I swim in. It’s funny, the only part of my wardrobe that really has variety is my work out clothes.

I’m trying not to set goals like, “I want to be a size 6” because I don’t want to be disappointed if I don’t get there, but I am going to set one today. When I reach my goal weight, I’d like my chest to be in the 32”-36” range. I’m only a B, and it’s about impossible to find bras in my size, forget cute bras. So, fingers crossed.

Day 69

2010-06-15T13:42:00.001-04:00

It’s amazing how quickly the time has gone. I figured today would be a good day to look back on how far I’ve come.

Three months ago I was not in a good place. I woke up whenever, got right out of bed, grabbed my laptop, crawled back into bed, and spent the day on the net. Sometimes I’d read, sometimes I’d write, but I rarely left the bed. If I ate, it was usually crap. I think one day I even had chips for breakfast. I didn’t exercise, I didn’t eat well, I didn’t take care of myself. And I wasn’t happy. Actually, I was deeply depressed.

Six months ago was pretty much the same thing. I’d have periods where I’d spend a day or two being healthy, I’d take a walk, try to eat smaller servings, drink more water, all that good stuff. But it’d only last a day or two.

A year ago I was just getting off a diet. I’d lost 20 pounds, but I only stuck with being healthy for a little over a month.

Already this time round I’m just over two months. And I’m planning on this being the last time that I have to get healthy again. I want to keep doing what I’m doing now. I love working out. Sure, I don’t go crazy, I’m not going to boot camp or spinning classes every week, I don’t even belong to a gym. But I’m having fun with what I’m doing, and I’m getting healthier every day, and that’s what’s important to me. Yesterday I did something I never thought I’d be able to do: I ran for five minutes straight. Granted, I had to pause the C25K app to give me more resting time (I’m going to keep doing week 4 until I no longer have to do that), but I did it. I never would have been able to do that before. I think the longest I’d ran straight before last month was 90 seconds. Maybe two minutes. So for me, that was huge.

Hopefully a year from now I can look back on this and say never again. Never again will I have weight issues. Never again will I put nothing but crap into my body. And never again will I let myself go.

Day 68

2010-06-14T07:17:00.001-04:00

Weight: 153
BFP: 36%

Now might be a good time to remove small children from the room. Are they gone? Good.

Mother &%$@$*&@#$!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.

Sorry, but this is the first weight gain that I’ve had to record with Lose It. I know, in the grand scheme of things, one pound isn’t such a big deal. Yes, I’m in the midst of my period, so it’s likely I’m carrying water weight, and yes, this week was stressful, so I’m sure that doesn’t help, and yes, my BFP did go down, and no, one pound isn’t going to kill me. But it still pisses me off. I always figured I’d be down in the 140s before I started doing this one step forward, two steps back thing.

So today’s the first day I’m trying my full, new program. I did my exercise based on what I’d planned out yesterday, but I’ve been walking every Sunday. So we’ll see if upping my calories, switching up my routine, and adding in weight/resistance training will help any. Here’s hoping.

Day 67

2010-06-13T19:03:00.001-04:00

Matt joined me on my walk today. And so did an insane dog that wanted to eat us. Around mile three of our walk, this dog starts barking, and Matt swore. I looked up, and there’s a Rottweiler on the other side of the guardrail, snarling and barking at us. Tail was not wagging, he was doing this weird thing with his front paws like he was digging in, and he kept getting closer, even when we started to walk away. Of course, this was the one time when no one was driving by. The stupid thing walked under the guardrail and started coming at us when his owner drove up. I thought I was going to die.

This led to my husband insisting that I should get my pistol permit in case that happens again. I wouldn’t shoot a dog, I don’t care if the thing is eating me. And it’s dangerous to shoot into the air, I’ve seen that episode of CSI where the guy shot into the air and killed the girl three blocks away. And it’s my luck anyway that I’d be jogging, the gun would fall out of my coat or whatever and shoot myself in the foot. But maybe I’ll look into a starter pistol. They make one heck of a noise, which should scare anything that’s trying to get me off, they’re lighter than a gun, even a .22, I wouldn’t have to worry about carrying my permits around with me or hurting myself. I just don’t want to carry anything else with me. But thoughts of that stupid dog is spooking me.

Matt’s been trying to push for me to get my pistol permit since I started walking. We live in the middle of no where, and I walk on mostly back roads. There are a lot of coy-dogs around here (feral dogs who have bred with coyotes), not to mention bob cats and mountain lions, dogs that people don’t like to fence in or keep on a leash, and bears. Before today, I wasn’t worried. I’ve seen six bunnies, lots of birds, a handful of field mice, and one turtle on my walks. One of the bunnies spooked me, because it thought it would be a good idea to hop right out in front of me, but otherwise I’ve had an “Aww, so cute!” reaction.

I’m not opposed to getting my permit, I’d actually like it. But I don’t want to shoot off a range. I’m not opposed to hunting, Matt hunts, but we eat what he shoots, it’s not pointless killing. And we have a place where everything we don’t use goes, so that nature can use it. Mice eat the bones, whatever else eats the rest. But I couldn’t personally hurt an animal. But I don’t want to stop walking outside. I love my walks. But that damned dog has me scared. *sigh*

Day 66

2010-06-12T13:50:00.001-04:00

Last night was just…it was hellish. I had a bad night, and ended up staying awake until 6 this morning. When I get really upset I usually eat until I’m sick, stay awake all night brooding, or both. Last night I was very tempted to binge, I ate an apple and a Weight Watcher’s ice cream bar for about 200 calories. All in all, not so bad. But I spent hours just sitting up and watching old reruns of Law and Order: SVU. Finally, around 3, I did something intelligent. I opened up my laptop and started writing down my feelings. Why I was upset, why my feelings were valid, and why it was okay for me to be feeling them. I typically try to hide and repress what I feel, which I’m sure has never helped my weight issues. I owned my feelings, put them into the universe, and even though I’m not done writing it yet, I feel much better. I see this as a great personal growth.

Last night I was at Wal-Mart, and I cut through the stationary isle. I love pens, journals, the notebooks, all that fun stuff. I don’t know why. But yesterday I just wanted to cut through. I should have known it wouldn’t work like that. I stopped in my tracks when I spotted a dry erase board with calendar style blocks laid out. And I wanted it! For those of you who don’t know, I have a dry erase board in my office where I write the quote of the day. Matt makes a habit of popping in to read the new quote each day, and I find it motivating to be able to just look up and see it.

The reason I wanted this dry erase board was because I wanted a place where I could plan out my weekly workouts. I know I’m on a MWF schedule for my C25K training, which I always follow up with 20 minutes of yoga to stretch me out. But what about the rest of the week. Which days should I work with my resistance bands? What day should I relax and take things slow? And when should I jump up the cardio? So after a few times of wiping the board clean and starting from scratch, I have a plan. I’m sticking with my MWF C25K training. Sundays I’ll walk at least 5 miles, then work with my resistance bands for 20-30 minutes. Tuesday will be a slower day, and I’ll only do Pilates. Thursday, I’ll cycle through one of my dancing workout DVDs, then do 20-30 minutes with my bands. And on Saturday I’ll do one of my Turbo Jam workouts. Just not this Saturday, I’m too tired. So, if I stick to the way this is planned out, I’ll be walking 20 miles a week. At least. Because I sometimes like to go out for an extra walk.

So Matt weighed in today. He has maintained his weight. However, he didn’t really work out at all this week, and he partied with his brother. So I’m not sure if maintaining is a success or a failure on Fat 2 Fit’s “eat like the skinny person you want to be” thing. I’m going to pester him into doing his exercises this week and staying away from the booze, and we’ll see what happens next week. Also, he only has 7-12 pounds left to reach his goal weight (he keeps bouncing back and forth between those five pounds), so that might also have something to do with it.

Day 65

2010-06-11T12:52:00.001-04:00

Before I get into what I want to talk about today, I just want to say that C25K went well today (last day of week 3), but I paid close attention to my body during the work out. I’m not sure I’m ready for week 4 yet. I know I have to push myself in order to move on and grow, but I don’t want to push too hard or too far. I figure I’ll start day 1 of week 4 on Monday, and if I need to stop or go back, I will. But I’ll be surprised if I don’t end up repeating week 3 next week. Who knows, though, I might totally surprise myself.

So last night I hopped on the scale at work, just to see where I was, and I gained three pounds since my weigh in Sunday. After several WTF?! moments, I realized something has to change. I’m hungry all the time,I’m tired, I’m miserable, and according to Matt, I’m bitchy. Apparently 1278 calories a day isn’t cutting it anymore. So I hit the net in search of answers.

Warning: Long-ass, math ridden post to follow.

I decided to start by figuring out my BMR, since it seems like that’s the fewest calories I should be consuming. I considered using the formula to figure it out, but shortly decided I wasn’t quite that nuts. So I went with two calculators, two (simpler) formulas, and the numbers I got off Fat 2 Fit, averaged them out, and used that as my BMR.

Formula:
(Note, to find your weight in kg, divide by 2.2. Go here for height in cm.)
1489
1319
Calculator 1:
1487.6
Calculator 2:
1498.4
Fat 2 Fit’s numbers:
1495
1322

So add them all up, divide by six, and I got 1435 calories a day. So that’s my base, what I can’t go below unless I’m laying in bed all day.

For weight loss you don’t take calories from your BMR, you take them from your AMR (Active Metabolic Rate), or how many calories you burn on a daily basis. Your AMR depends on how active you are.

And this brings up a question. How active am I? I mean, I think that I am fairly active, but would I be considered active by these people’s measurements? I engage in light to moderate exercise every day, so how to figure out my daily allotments? And which method to use? The site I used for my formulas had one suggestion as to what to multiply your BMR by, Jillian Michaels had another (1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 as you go up the activity ladder). So I used both methods, for both lightly and moderately active, threw in those two numbers from Fat 2 Fit, and averaged.

1973
2224
1722
1866
1865
2102

This gives me 1959 calories a day for my AMR. Now I have a bottom (1435) and a top (1959), I just have to find the sweet spot in the middle. Theoretically, if I consume 1959 calories a day and keep as active as I am now, I shouldn't gain weight, I should maintain. But I don’t wan to maintain, I want to lose.

And here we run into problems again. I’d like to lose 2 pounds a week, which means a 1000 calorie deficit a day. But that would only leave me 959 calories a day, and that’s below my bottom. And I doubt I can exercise any more at the moment.

How about 1 pound a week, a 500 calorie deficit. That’d put me at 1459, which is only just above my bottom. Little dangerous.

So I’m going to shoot to the middle and go with 1697 calories a day. It’s only a 262 calorie deficit, which translates to a little more than a half pound a week, but that’s fine. I’ll tweak as I go.

Then I wonder if I should just enter my sedentary calorie limit (1643 when averaged) and eat my exercise. But I have plenty of issues with eating my exercise. One, I don’t believe Lose It! is entirely accurate, two, I don’t want to over estimate how hard I worked out, then end up over eating because of that mistake. So for now, that option’s a no.

Now the question becomes how to I get my calories up there? That’s more than 400 calories more a day than I’m currently taking in. I figure it’s probably best if I do this slowly. So once a week I’m going to up my calories by 10%. Monday I’ll move my calories up to 1406, the Monday after that I’ll bring them up to 1547, and by that next Monday I’ll be at 1697. I want to start this on a Monday because that’s my weigh in day, and I think I’ll get the most accurate results doing it that way. Oh, and I’m extremely anal like that.

I know I’ll have to redo all this math every time I lose weight, seeing as my BMR will go down. But that’s fine. I don’t exactly trust Lose It's math any more. Not that mine is infallible (just realized today there’s actual 248 days between April 8th and December 12th, oh well), but I’ll try things this way for a while, see how it goes.

Day 64

2010-06-10T12:52:00.001-04:00

So last night I was watching all these customers come into the store with little water droplets all over them and I was thinking, “Okay, not so bad. They can’t all have parked close, so if they’re just a little wet, I’ll be fine.” Then the bottle guy comes in looking like he just stepped out of the shower with his clothes on. It was at that point when I started to seriously consider going home, packing a gym bag, driving back into town and paying the 12 bucks for a day membership to the Y. Thankfully, I got home and the rain mostly stopped. So I bundled up in my running gear and a sweatshirt from college, and went on my way. It rained a little, but for the most part it was fine.

Only two things bothered me. First, all the slugs. I don’t know if the rain made them come out of hiding, or what, but they were everywhere! And I couldn’t avoid them. At one point I was running, and all I could hear over my iPod was “squish, squish, squish.” All their little squashed corpses were still in the road today. It was sad. The other thing that bugged me was how tired I was. I was coming off an 8.5 hour shift that was surprisingly busy for a Wednesday, having not gotten very much sleep. My workout suffered. I didn’t even attempt running up that damned hill, I just paused the workout, walked up it, then ran. I think I would have keeled over if I had tried it. I’ll see how Friday goes. I still don’t know if I’m going to repeat week 3 next week or not.

Today I went for a walk. I wanted to push myself a little further, since I’ve been able to go pretty much no problem with my other longer distances. And holy crap! I was walking around this one bend in the road wondering how much longer it’d take me to get home because I was getting beat. And no wonder, I walked a little over 7 miles!

Which brings me to this new site I’ve found. It’s called Daily Mile, I’ve been a member for less than two days, and already I’m in love. You can add in how far you’re walking (or running, biking, swimming, whatever), how long it took you, and they’ll tell you how many calories you’ve burned, how far you’ve traveled to date and all other fun stuff. At the bottom of your training page, it gives you fun little things to equate your workout to, like your total miles and time since signing up, how man gallons of gas you’ve saved, how many doughnuts you’ve burned through, how many pounds you’ve burned through, and how many times you’ve been around the world. They also give you stats, like your best time, your average intensity, and the furthest you’ve gone at one stretch. You can put in your information that you get off your treadmill, or, what I like best, they’ll let you plot out a route on a map of wherever you’re working out, then they’ll tell you the distance. No more driving around to find out how far I’m going! Check it out and let me know what you think.

Day 63

2010-06-09T07:34:00.001-04:00

New York weather is insane! Last month was crazy hot, this month is freezing! We have the heat on, I’m eating a bowl of oatmeal and strawberries (which put me 90 calories over my breakfast calories, but that’s planned for only 1200 calories a day) because there was no way I was eating anything cold. I hope the temp heats up some for my afternoon walk.

But, of course, there’s a 50% chance of rain from 11 on today. *sigh* I wish I owned a treadmill. Typically my family gives me money for my birthday, so maybe if I pool it together, Matt will help me cover the difference and I can own one by the end of the month. Here’s hoping.

Just recently I’ve started following this blog, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit. He’s very funny, and I recommend that you at least check him out, if you haven’t already. He does this thing he calls W.I.D.T.H (Why I Do This Here), where he asks readers to take a note card, write down why they’re getting fit, take a picture, and send it in. So yesterday I took one, but it got me thinking, and pretty much as soon as I hit send, I thought of a bunch more to do. I mean, yes, that covers many of my reasons: I don’t want to feel like I can’t wear the clothes I like, I don’t want to stay away from the pool any more, I don’t want to reach for something to cover myself with every time my husband walks in when I’m changing. I mean, he’s my husband for God’s sake, he tells me all the time how sexy he thinks I am, but I still don’t want him to see me naked. *sigh*

Day 62

2010-06-08T12:37:00.001-04:00

So yesterday I walked close to 16 miles. Not all at once, of course, but over the course of the day. In the morning, when I was doing my C25K training, I took the four mile loop. Then when I got home, I decided to go on another walk, turned around a half mile from home because I forgot my hat and it was sunny, then walked the five mile loop. Then after dinner, I was sitting around and decided another walk was in order, so I did the five mile loop again, only this time instead of turning where I normally would, I kept going and turned later down the road, adding almost another mile on. It was great.

I was poking around the organic section at the store where I work yesterday, and I found this juice Jillian Michaels has been talking about on her podcast. It’s called Simply Cranberry (or Cherry, or Pomegranate, depending on the fruit). It’s 100% juice, no apple juice to cut it, no sugar, no preservatives, nothing. All that’s in the bottle is what they squeeze from the fruit (and sometimes a little purified water to reconstitute it). The brand name was $10 for a 32oz bottle (yikes!), but the store has an organic store brand that’s the exact same stuff for $4 a 32oz bottle. The only difference is that the name brand is in glass, store brand is in plastic. I’ve been stirring a tablespoon of the juice into 12oz of water (ends up being 4 calories a glass). It gives the water some flavor (tastes a little like I stirred some lemon in), and cranberry is a diuretic, so I’m hoping it will help me lose some water weight.

I’m still a little upset about that weigh in yesterday. But when I think about it, it kind of makes sense. I had a crazy good week the week before, so it stands to reason that I’d have a lower weight loss this week. That and I’m expecting my period, so I’m holding onto water weight. So here’s hoping that next Monday brings a good number.

Day 61

2010-06-07T10:21:00.001-04:00

Weight: 152
BFP: 36.4%

Um…yeah, that’s the same as last week. I’m a little confused and bothered by that, as this is the first week I haven’t lost, but okay. I had a crazy good week last week, it makes since that this week would be a little lacking. I just am going to try to make up for it next week.

I bought some stone ground flaxseed meal the other day and added it to my smoothie this morning. It gives it a slightly different flavor, but nothing really noticeable. I’ll wait to see if it makes me fuller longer or anything. I’ll still use it even if it doesn’t, as the main reason I bought it was for the omega 3. I like fish, and I try to eat either salmon or tuna three times a week. Matt hates fish though, so I’m hoping I can sneak some flaxseed into things. The one thing I don’t like so far? It makes my blender more difficult to clean. Oh well, small price.

So I made it through day 1, week 3 of my C25K today without much issue. I changed my music that I had playing to Jillian Michaels’ podcast, the thought being that 1) the music was getting a little old, and 2) it’d be easier to push through if I had a smile on my face, and she makes me laugh. So that paired with my new focus on the distance technique worked well…until the last run. It was a three minute run, and I wasn’t worried about it because I made it through the first without once thinking “Oh my God, how much longer?!” But the minute I heard the chimes telling me it was time to run again, I knew I was screwed. I had just started up this really steep hill. I made it up the hill and almost stopped, but I pushed myself to keep going. After I was on the level for a bit, though, I was okay. All in all, I think I’m good to keep going with week 3. I might repeat week 3, though.

If I keep this up, C25K will take me 18 weeks, not 9. I don’t mind, though. I don’t want to push or strain myself, so even if it takes me six months, as long as I go at my pace but still challenge myself, I’ll be happy. This isn’t a race, after all.

Day 60

2010-06-06T07:46:00.001-04:00

Two months! Woo hoo!

This girl who’s blog I follow has been talking a lot lately about Fat 2 Fit Radio and their theories on weight loss. Basically, they think that you should figure out what you would need to eat to maintain your goal weight (they offer handy dandy calculators on their site for finding both what your goal weight should be and what you should eat at that weight). The idea is that if you stick to the number of calories you’d need to maintain your goal weight, you’ll eventually reach that goal weight without ever having to diet. They admit you might have to drop your calories by 200-300 a day to lose those last couple pounds, but that otherwise it works. They also insist that you should never eat below your BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate, or how many calories it takes to keep you alive if you’re, say, in a coma).

Now, to get nerdy. I understand most everyone gets this, but it helps me think, so it’s happening anyway. Our body is like a machine, and our food is the fuel. Everyone knows that exercise burns through that fuel. Everyone also knows that we become overweight when we start adding more fuel than we burn through. Eventually, our body starts building back up tanks (fat reserves) to hold what it doesn’t use. Think of it like adding five gallons of gas to your car a day, but only using four. Those extra gallons are going to build up to the point that you’ll go to fill up one day, and the tank will already be full. So you fill up one of those ugly red jugs, stick it in your trunk, and go on your merry way. To lose the weight, we need to start tapping into those reserves, which we do by creating a deficit, or burning more fuel than we take in.

It isn’t our BMR that we use as reference in this case. I mean, we’re not in comas, right? We use the number of calories it takes us to get through a day in our current lifestyle. Which is obviously more than our BMR. All our BMR provides fuel for is the basics: basic brain function, all our organs running, that fun stuff. Perhaps the occasional muscle twitch. Even if we’re vegging out, we still do more than that: we scratch our nose, lift the glass off the table, raise the remote, walk to the bathroom, etc etc.

So, to lose the weight, we take that number, and somehow subtract between 500 and 1000 (for the 1-2lb a week weight loss). We either do this by eating less (adding only 3 gallons of fuel) or burning more (driving an extra loop around town), but ideally with a little of both.

Every source I’ve read has said that you shouldn’t go below your BMR (because we’re not in comas, people). You start depriving your body of fuel, it’s going to stop running properly.

So, going on all that, the idea suggested by Fat 2 Fit makes sense. By eating to maintain a lower weight, you’ll automatically create a deficit, so you’ll start burning through your fat. However, there are a few things about them that’s bothered me.

First, they want you to pay for the first season of their podcast. This just isn’t right to me. But okay, you have to pay the bills somehow. Second, when they were talking about why you should never eat below your BMR, they said it was because your body would go into starvation mode. Since joining Lose It!, I’ve seen a lot about this starvation mode, and I’ve looked into it. Everyone talks about it, whether they call it “starvation mode” or “your body’s natural response,” if they’re talking about weight loss, they’ve mentioned it. But there seems to be some debate as to what it actually is. These guys at Fat 2 Fit were saying how in starvation mode, your body clings to fat and won’t let you lose the weight.

Now, before I start this rant, let me be clear that I hold no degree what so ever and am totally talking out of my ass based on what I’ve read. Do your own research, talk to your doctor, whatever, but don’t hold my word as gospel.

According to all that I’ve read, that’s false. Starvation mode, or whatever the hell you want to call it, does happen, and it does make it more difficult to lose weight, but your body doesn’t just stop losing all together. If it did, anorexia wouldn’t work. When they showed footage of all these starving people in these third world countries, they would look normal, not like skeletons with skin. Based on the research I’ve done, starvation mode is a response our bodies have developed based on thousands of years of evolution. Back in the day, when we were a traveling people wearing pelts, if we underwent an extreme caloric deficit for an extended period of time, it meant that there was a food shortage. Our bodies would slow our metabolisms down so that we burned through our fat reserves more slowly, but they would still burn through them. Think of the fat grizzly that goes into hibernation and comes out much thinner. The other thing our bodies would do is break down our lean muscle mass, since the nutrients we need to function can’t all be found in our fat reserves.

Now, in present day, we have food endlessly at our disposal. We binge on Mickey D’s and Breyer’s ice cream, Doritos and Pop Tarts. And then we crash diet to lose the weight. Our bodies don’t know that there’s no shortage in food, it just knows that it suddenly doesn’t have enough calories to function properly. So our metabolism slows, and we start burning through larger amounts of our lean muscle mass in addition to our fat reserves. Even if we’re taking in our BMR or just over, if we exercise enough to drop that deficit below that number, the same thing is going to happen.

This doesn’t happen from one crazy low calorie day, or even a few crazy low calorie days. It’s over an extended period of time.

So, after you’ve entered starvation mode, and your body believes you’re currently in a food shortage, when you increase your calories for whatever reason, your body goes “Food!” and works to rebuild it’s fat reserves, not knowing when its next big burst of calories will be. The result? Your weight goes up.

And after all that lovely news, we’re all thinking “So how the hell am I supposed to lose weight and keep it off?” And this is why Fat 2 Fit’s idea makes so much sense to me. By eating more (at what your maintenance level would be for your goal weight), your body doesn’t think that you’re in a food shortage. So it willingly (and easily) lets go of its fat reserves. When you do get into maintenance mode, there’s no big change, as that’s what you’ve been eating all along.

I have Matt testing this out for everyone (gotta love using husbands as guinea pigs). If it works well for him, I might ease into it (as Lose It! currently has me about 100 calories below what the site says is my BMR). He’s only upped his calories for a day, but he’s already talking about how he has more energy, he feels less restricted, he’s less tempted to binge (since he can have more things in smaller portions), and he no longer feels like he’s on a diet. I’ll keep everyone posted.

Day 59

2010-06-05T10:24:00.001-04:00

So my weigh in wasn’t yesterday, it’s tomorrow. I could have gone yesterday, but I would have to have someone other than the woman who’s been doing the weigh ins all along present, and they would have to record my weight. Even though I weigh less than I have in years, I’m still self conscious about not only that number, but how I see myself. Because even though I’m happy with the progress I’ve made, to me it doesn’t seem like much. Yes, my stomach looks flatter, but I still look fat. At least to me. I keep hoping that losing this weight will be a panacea, but I’m seeing that it won’t be. But that’s what this journey is about, getting myself healthy, inside and out.

They are starting to take people from our store who got the full time jobs. Our assistant grocery manager left early this week (she’s the new grocery manager), and her next in command leaves today (he’s the new assistant). We lose two of our girls from the office next week, one of which is easily replaceable, the other is the one I’m trying to replace. The third girl we’ll be losing probably won’t leave until the new store actually opens or the week before. She’s been doing the job she was hired for every time our boss was out for whatever reason (vacation, surgery, etc) for four years. And our boss is gone at least 5 weeks a year. Not to mention she pretty much does our boss’ job anyway.

So, to put this in perspective, there are only six people in the entire store who know how to do the back office evening work (I’m one of them). I’m also the only one of those six who has not been taught how to do the back office morning work. We are losing two of our girls in the next two weeks, and one of the others has her own job to do and can’t work in the office all the time. And my boss has yet to train anyone new. So in two week’s time, she’ll only have two people (herself included) at her disposal on a regular basis who know how to do the morning work. And she somehow has to cover two shifts, seven days a week, with only three people. Oh, and by company policy, she’s limited as to how many hours she can give me a week. And by now you’re asking what the hell this has to do with my weight loss. One word: STRESS!!!

Everyone of power in our store is going to be stressed over the next two months, which means they’re going to be taking it out on each other, making things worse, then taking it out on us. Last night was like a little taste of things to come.

Because they’re training all these new people to send them over to the new store, they had a lot of registers open. If the person doing the floor plan is nice, they spread the tills that need to be changed out over the course of the evening, making the highest concentration between 6 and 7, and maybe one each at 7:30, 8, and 9. They then leave only three tills out after 9, so the morning person doesn’t have too much work. This is done this way because the heaviest load of our office work is from 8 on. And we only have until 9:30 to finish. Last night? I had five drawers from 8 on. And the woman who was working wanted to hold almost all of them until 9. I wanted to scream. And cry. And eat my weight in chocolate. I didn’t get to leave until almost 10, and that extra half an hour I worked was off the clock. Which sucks.

I hope I survive the next few weeks with my weight loss in tact. Wish me luck!

Day 58

2010-06-04T11:43:00.001-04:00

So I tried something new with my C25K training today. First, instead of crossing the tracks for the loop that’s just over 2 miles, I kept going, past the lake, for the 4 mile loop, so I was going (for about half of it) through different scenery. Second, I used a trick I do when I have to give blood: I picked a spot in the distance and focused only on it. I ignored what was going on with my body, just focused on whatever spot I had in my sights. I’d been doing something similar, but instead of focusing on something in the far distance (like a mountain or a cloud), I’d pick something I thought I could reach, like a tree or a stop sign, then I’d tell myself, just make it that far. The difference? I didn’t have a single, “Oh thank God” moment, and each time when the little dinger went off telling me I could stop running, I could have kept going. I’m going to stick with week 2 for Friday, but Monday I might try week 3 again.

Today’s the week four weigh in at work. I have to call the chick at noon and ask what I can do, since the weigh in’s only from noon till 2, and I won’t be there until 3:30. Maybe she’ll stick around, or she’ll let me weigh myself and write it in the book for her. There are prizes for whomever’s lost the most weight per store at the half way point, but as far as the contest goes, I’ve only lost 10lbs. So who knows.

Day 57

2010-06-03T12:05:00.002-04:00

I am currently in my new favorite place: out on my back porch, looking out over the beautiful hills and trees of upstate New York. I used to hate being outside. I haven’t voluntarily gone outdoors for an extended period of time without grumbling about it (at least internally) since I was a kid. But that’s changed of late. I don’t want to do a work out DVD, I want to go walk. I don’t want to sit in my office and watch the birds through the window, I want to be out here, where I can feel the breeze, see the birds, hear all their songs. I don’t know if it’s a sign that the depression I’ve battled for over a decade is starting to lift or what, but I’m enjoying it. Only a few things could make this spot better: a plug in for my laptop, the screens up to keep the bugs out (the porch is currently unfinished), and some more lights so I could sit out here at night. Matt and I ate dinner out here last night, which was nice. Something tells me I’m going to be spending a lot of time out here this summer.

So I just did level 1 of my Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown DVD, and let me tell you, it was one hell of a work out. I mean, I knew buying it that it wouldn’t be some slow, relaxing yoga routine. I even watched it before hand, so I knew what I was getting into. Or at least I thought I did. There were a couple spots that I just collapsed. I know a couple of the problems would have been solved by getting a mat (when I was doing the dolphin, I just couldn’t stand the pain of the carpet digging into my forearms any longer). But still, it was craziness. I was panting and sweating like I was jogging around the block. It was insane. And I can’t wait to do it again. I don’t think I can handle it yet after a run, but I think I’ve found what I’ll be doing on the days that I’m not running.

Oh, I was watching this CNBC special on obesity the other day, thought I'd share. It's called One Nation Overweight and it's rather illuminating.

Day 56

2010-06-02T12:33:00.001-04:00

So yesterday something kind of big happened. The people in the office know I’m losing weight, some of them even know how much I’ve lost. It’s part of how I keep myself accountable. If I haven’t come in with a new number or haven’t talked about what I’ve been doing in a while, they’ll ask. But it’s just the people in the office. Yesterday a girl from floral came in to tell me I could take her drawer, and she stopped, looked at me, and asked, “Have you lost weight? You look slimmer.” She’s the first person who hasn’t known who’s noticed. So yay!

Yesterday was also difficult for me. I was fine before going to work, but I had to keep walking by these triple layer chocolate tortes we have on sale this week, and I so wanted one. It went from wanting the torte, to wanting a chili dog, to wanting all other kinds of crap. And the thought that typically means I’m nearing the end of a diet kept creeping into my head: I miss eating like a fat girl. I eventually realized that much of these cravings are because I’m PMSing. But I’m still worried. I think I’m going to give myself a 1600 calorie day here soon. Or maybe find a way that I can have a chili dog. They make the turkey chili that I think is lower calorie, and the turkey dogs are low cal and the only ones I’ll eat. I ended up grabbing one of those Smart Ones desserts to help ease my chocolate attack. *sigh* Why is losing weight so damn difficult?

I’ve decided that I’m going to stick with week 2 of my C25K program for a while. I’m good for the first three runs, but after that I start dreading the little dinging noise. I figure I’ll move on when I stop saying “Oh thank God” every time I get to stop running.

Day 55

2010-06-01T12:20:00.001-04:00

I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day. Matt and I went up to put flowers on his mom’s grave, then went to buy Matt running shoes. It was kind of funny, me running around the store, grabbing almost every running shoe in his size, having him walk around, jog in place, the whole nine. He settled on a pair of grandpa-looking shoes that he insists were the most comfortable. It doesn’t matter what they look like, as long as they support his feet, but I teased him a little about them.

He’s decided he’s going to come running with me when he can. Since I’ll be repeating either week 2 or 3 for a while, I’m sure he won’t have to come out every time to keep up. I still don’t know which week I want to repeat. I mean, I was able to do it yesterday, but hardly. I’ll figure it out before tomorrow.

I bought a George Forman Grill last night. It’s a little on the small side, but it’s just Matt and I, so we don’t need anything huge. We bought turkey burgers to grill on it, but the patties started out too large to cook more than one at a time. If we make our own patties, I’m sure we could fit two.

Day 54

2010-05-31T12:08:00.001-04:00

Weight: 152
BFP: 36.4%

*cue epic squeeing* Five pounds! I dropped five pounds last week! That means I’ve lost 23 pounds while on Lose It! and 26 pounds over all! This also means that I’ll almost definitely be at my birthday goal weight (150 by June 23), and that I’m only six pounds away from being half way to my goal!

Now that my celebrating is out of the way, I just want to say that I hate men. Damn them and their high metabolisms. Here I am, working out every day, eating 1300 calories and being very careful to stay within budget, and very excited that I’ve lost 26 pounds since the beginning of April. And here’s my husband, going through 1000 more calories a day, going out and drinking beer every weekend, typically saying, “Well, I’m over my calories anyway,” at least once a week, and only walking with me a day or two a week. How much has he lost? 28 pounds. Grrr! And, to make matters worse, he came out with me today when I did my C25K. I finished the first day of week 3, thought I was going to die, but I did it. Matt was cool as can been, barely breaking a sweat, asking, “We’re done running already?” when I was ready to keel over. Then when we get close to home, he’s all, “I’m going to run home, do you mind?” At which point I realized how much he was holding back for me. *sigh* I get home, and what’s he doing? Jumping jacks! I hardly had the energy to stand, and he’s still doing cardio! Guh! It almost makes me wonder if I should just repeat week 2 until it gets easy. Or maybe stay on week 3 till that gets easy. You know, that sounds like a plan. Or maybe not till it’s easy, but at least till I can do it and not want to fall over in the middle of the park and wheeze.

It was odd, I was running along, on my last 3 minute bout, and I so wanted to stop. But I sort of coach myself along. Don’t stop. Keep going. You’ll be fine. Just to that road sign. Typically, that’s enough. But today I wanted to stop. But my little coaching voice, the one in my voice with Jillian Michaels’ personality, kept me going. I kept telling myself, yes, you’re breathing heavy, but you’re not into the danger zone yet. You can still breathe without much issue. And yes, your legs hurt, but it’s the muscles, not the joints, so that’s to be expected, not anything to worry about. And that helped. I just hope it’s enough to get me through the rest of the week.

Day 53

2010-05-30T14:06:00.001-04:00

So I ended up calling in yesterday. I thought I’d be fine, but when I stood up to start getting ready, I got sick again. So I’ll probably get a write-up, since I didn’t give them two hours notice. Oh well. I was talking to one of my friends who’s a nurse, and she thinks it might be because I ate the Luna bar before working out, something similar to eating a big meal before swimming. So I now know that’s a no go.

I didn’t work out today, didn’t think I was up to it. So instead I counted my housework as my exercise today. Cheating, I know, but I’m not worried about it.

I wish I had today off. There’s a Star Wars marathon on Spike I’d love to watch. It's days like today I wish I had a treadmill in my living room. I could watch one movie on the couch, then next walking on the treadmill. Matt is saving up for one for us (all my money is being saved for my new wardrobe), and he thinks we’ll have a treadmill and the home gym by January. By then I should be at my goal weight, but still, they should help with maintenance.

Day 52

2010-05-29T12:41:00.001-04:00

*moans* I just learned a valuable lesson. I should not eat a Luna Protein bar, then go on a 4 mile walk while drinking half a liter of water. I got home and promptly proceeded to get very sick. And this time it wasn’t of my own doing. I’m debating calling in, I’m so drained. Figures that ten minutes of throwing up would make me sweat more than an hour and a half of walking. And I still feel like I might be sick again. Bleh.

Like I’ve said, I’m a huge, whiny baby when I’m sick.

I bought the Jillian Michaels Yoga Slim Down DVD last night. I like to watch my workout videos before I do them, that way I have an idea of what’s coming, if I am fit enough to do the exercises, and what modifications I may need. So here I am, watching Jillian push these two girls through some pretty difficult looking yoga poses, sitting on the couch and eating. Granted, I was eating a salad, but still.

So as I’m watching this DVD, I’m thinking it looks like what I’ve read about Hot Yoga, just not in a hot room. As I was thinking this, I got a light bulb moment: I can create my own hot yoga setting. My house gets very hot during the summer, so I was thinking if I shut my office door and close the window, it would get very warm in there in no time. Pop this new DVD in my laptop, and presto, I have my own version of Hot Yoga. I’d go take a class, but general yoga classes are hard to come by in this area, forget specialty ones.

I was listening to one of Jillian’s podcasts on my iPod when I was walking today, and she mentioned how she was 5’2” 120lbs. I’m the same height and want to be the same weight, so it gives me a good visual about what I might be able to reach. Granted, I know that even at the same height, we might not look the same at the same weight. I’m built wide: barrel chested, wide hips, broad shoulders, even thin I’m still going to be a bigger girl. But it’s nice to have a frame of reference like that.

Day 51

2010-05-28T09:53:00.001-04:00

So today I was finally able to continue my C25K program. Didn’t think I’d make it through a couple spots, but I did. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do week three yet, but I’m going to try Monday. I figure if I can’t make it through the first three minute bout, I’ll just switch back to week two and do it over. No need to risk dying of an asthma attack in the middle of some back road, right?

I bought new running shoes yesterday. I really like them; they’re nice and comfy and have lots of orange and silver accents. They’re a brand I’d never heard of, Ryka. Based on what the box and the site says, the whole company is focused solely on a woman’s shoe needs. They were more comfortable than my two year old New Balances. I’ll give a more complete review in a couple weeks.

The thing that disappointed me was that no one seemed to know anything about the Nike+ system. I kind of wanted to get that this time around so I could start using it, but as I didn’t get a Nike+ shoe, it’s a no go. I was wondering if maybe I could still use the little sensor in my shoe (not a very big Nike fan), but it’s looking like that’s not going to work either. It fits in place in a little hole under the insert of the compatible shoes. It looks thin enough that at first I thought I could just tape it in place or something, but my luck I’d have a Princess and the Pea situation. Matt suggested maybe cutting a piece out of the sole of the shoe I have, but I don’t know enough about how shoes work to be willing to risk that. I mean, I know I could do it, but what if it compromises how the shoe works? *sigh* So, it looks like next time I buy a running shoe (which according to the sales lady will be sometime within 3-6 months), I’m going to be getting Nike if I want to use this damned program on my iPod. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up liking the shoe.

I didn’t get the bank job. The interview yesterday went well, and the guy seemed impressed with my experience, but they’d already filled the position. He did say that he was going to look at the other branches in my area and see if he can get me a face to face interview in the next couple of weeks. There is another opening at a branch near Albany, but that’s an hour drive. And it’s in a store, so it’s open late and on weekends and most holidays. Bleh.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, though. For example, five years ago, Matt was in a serious relationship. He loved this chick, but she was kind of a bitch. Totally broke his heart one day in May. So, heartbroken and depressed, he made his way to the local gas station for junk food to try to ease the pain, and met me. The start of our friendship (which led to our relationship then marriage), was the two of us venting about past relationships and how our exes sucked.

So maybe I haven’t been getting these full time jobs for a reason. I opened my schedule at work back up (since I wasn’t finding a second job either), and I’m hoping that I’ll start to get more hours since half our store is leaving. And in the fall, since I’m still working at the store, I’ll have time to audit a couple classes at the local college. I’m thinking I’m going to check out a couple Nutrition classes. I’ve been having such a great time with this whole weight loss thing, researching how it works and what I’m supposed to be getting nutrient wise, then using that information to help not only Matt, but some people at work too. I think being a RD is something I could not only do, but enjoy doing. I looked at the course program online, and it’s heavy in nutrition courses (obviously), but also in Bio and Chem. I aced both those classes in high school, and got an A when I took a college level Bio class in high school.

Day 50

2010-05-27T10:11:00.001-04:00

It’s hard to believe I’ve stuck with this for 50 days already. Last time I only made it half way through week 7, maybe 45 days, so already I’ve made it five days farther. And I’ve no thought to stopping any time soon.

I’m so tired right now. I think it may be because I’m running on a little less than 6.5 hours of sleep. I’d have slept longer, but I had to take Matt into work today so I could have the car. Maybe I’ll take a cat nap later today.

I think I may be allergic to my sunscreen. I have this funky rash looking thing going on around the inside of my one elbow and around my neck. Does anyone know a good, hypoallergenic sunscreen?

So, today’s my phone interview for the bank. It would be so great to get this job. No more stressing over money issues (okay, not as much stressing), a fairly steady work schedule, no more working major holidays. *sigh* I might just end up getting spoiled. I really hope I get this job. Everyone wish me luck!

Day 49

2010-05-26T11:21:00.001-04:00

First things first, I want to talk about Biggest Loser. Way to go Michael! He’s under 300 pounds! And did you see how great he looks? And how he bounded up and down those stairs? I may think he’s a bit of an idiot, but I think he did great. They all did. I’m happy Daris found a girlfriend (though I worry she might have been with him for the wrong reasons), and Ashley has become one hot momma! Whoot! Nerd that I am, I ran the numbers when Koli got on the scale, and had America voted to keep him in the final 3, he would have won the show. I hope that he keeps it off.

So I didn’t get either of the jobs I applied for at the store, but I think the girls who did are very deserving, so I’m not bitter. However, if my boss passes me over again for being trained for the morning cash office work for someone who’s less qualified, I will be. I do have a rescheduled phone interview for the bank tomorrow morning, so that’s good. Wish me luck!

Yesterday I wore the shirt. On your year anniversary at the store I work at, a few things happen. You have to do an hour of OSHA training on the computer, you get a raise (if you got good performance reviews), and you get a new shirt. Since working there, I’ve worn a medium. The sizes run large, though, so it’s more like a large. Well, my anniversary was this month, and I did all my stuff at the beginning of the month. And when they asked me what size shirt I needed, I said small. I figured I’m losing weight, I might as well. Well, every Tuesday (the beginning of my week), I’ve put that damned thing on, looked at myself in the mirror, and took it right back off. But yesterday? Yesterday I wore it. ^.^ No one said anything about it (the girl who’s been trying to get me to wear it works with me Saturday, so I expect I’ll hear something then), but I did get a lot of looks. And since yesterday, Matt keeps looking at me and mumbling, “You are looking thin.” Yay!

One more bit of happy news. I come from a long line of ass-less women. Somehow we’ve all managed to be over weight, yet still have a straight line from our back to our thighs. Until now. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and noticed that I have a butt! It’s just a little bit of lift and definition, but it’s there! Matt, being a tush man, is very excited.

Day 48

2010-05-25T12:51:00.001-04:00

So, my interview went kind of well yesterday. They said they’ll know between today and tomorrow. I doubt I get either position, but who knows, right?

After my interview, Matt and I went to the store to pick up a few things. I wanted to grab a new work out outfit, seeing as I only have a few that don’t fall off me any more. So I was poking through the pants, and the only pair that I could find that I liked was a Medium (8/10). I typically have to buy Large, but I figured I’d try them on. Couldn’t hurt, right? Well, they fit. Very nicely. ^.^ I knew all my size 12s were falling off me, but I didn’t think I was down to an 8/10. So that made me very happy.

I have a little mini goal that I decided on today. I would like to weigh 150 by my birthday (June 23). It’s just over four weeks away, but I think I can do it.

I was up rather late last night checking out the Wii Fit Plus online. I think it’s something I really want. Matt and I have been talking about investing in one, and also getting a treadmill and some sort of home gym weight-lifty thing (sort of like a Bowflex, but cheaper). It’s stuff to look into, and like Matt said, we live in upstate NY, the weather isn’t always nice and we won’t always be able to go out for walks. Add to that that we live a good deal away from the closest gym, and it just makes sense to get things to keep at home.

Day 47

2010-05-24T11:07:00.001-04:00

Weight: 157
BFP: 37.2%

So yesterday was fun. I worked in the morning, and when I got home, Matt and I went for a bike ride. We’ve been kicking around buying bikes, so we borrowed his grandparents’ bikes to see if it was something we were interested in. It was fun, but I do not like the hills. From either direction. And as we live in upstate NY, we have lots of hills. When we got home, Matt suggested we go to the driving range. I’d never been, and I never even got close to hitting a good shot, but it was fun. After that we got subs from Subway and ate in the park. And to top the day off, we went for a four mile walk when we got home.

I might have an interview at work today. Everyone else was talking about how they got their interviews already, and how they would know for sure today who got what job, and I was wondering why I didn’t get an interview. I mean, this guy I work with got an interview, and he’s an idiot. So today when I got home from my walk, there was a message on my machine from my boss, telling me she called the HR specialist, who never got my application or my resume, and if I’d like an interview, I can call and set one up for today. So fingers crossed.

Day 46

2010-05-23T08:49:00.001-04:00

So my baby brother graduated from college yesterday. With honors. I am so proud of him!

So I woke up this morning and ran around like a crazy woman because I woke up an hour late. I wasn’t going to blog, and I wasn’t going to do much of anything but run around with one leg in my pants, trying to brush my teeth and pull my hair back all at once. Then, when I was getting ready to walk out the door, I noticed I don’t have to be to work at 9, I have to be there at 9:30. So I have a half an hour to kill.

Matt and I are talking about taking up kayaking. Obviously, we’d have to go somewhere for instruction, and I’m sure we’d want to rent them for a few runs before we bought our own, but we think it’d be fun. And already he’s talking about maybe next summer (if we like the kayaks), packing our crap in the truck, borrowing his friend’s pop up camper, and taking that, the kayaks, and our bikes up to the Adirondacks for a weekend. For those of you who have not been up there, it is amazing. A few years ago some friends and I hiked to the top of this rock that looked out over the Hudson River Valley, and it was so beautiful. Just how far out you could see, I actually thought the Hudson was part of the skyline.

If you haven’t voted for Daris yet, please go do so! You can vote 10 times online (not sure if that’s per IP or per email address), and three times per phone number. Please vote!

Day 45

2010-05-22T13:13:00.001-04:00

Matt joined me on my walk today. We didn’t go very far, only just over 2 miles, and we had to go slow because we were talking and I still can’t breathe well, but it was nice. Afterwards he was trying to lift his weights, and I showed him some focused exercises to do. He was lifting 20 pounds an arm, and the reps he was doing seemed fairly easy for him. But once he started the ones I showed him, he had to take five pounds off each weight. It was nice helping him with that. I’m wondering more and more if this is something I’d like to do as a career.

So yesterday I was happy with myself. Matt and I have been seeing those commercials for that Double Down sandwich at KFC. I looked it up online, and it would have been well within my calories yesterday. So he and I went and ordered one each. I was thinking chicken, not so bad, right? I forgot that they fry it. I saw all the grease and was so grossed out. I could only manage two small bites. It was disgusting. I handed mine to Matt, drank my water, and made myself a salmon wrap with spinach, broccoli sprouts, and hummus when I got home. Much yummier. But the thing is, that was the type of food I’d typically eat and enjoy. And it wasn’t like before where I got thinking about the calories and was turned off, or didn’t eat it because I thought I shouldn’t, I did not appeal to me in any way. So even though I bought the unhealthy sandwich, I still see it as a win. I figure I’m going to have to relearn what I do and don’t like somehow. Now I’m wondering if I’d even like the Big Mac if I got one.

I was telling Matt yesterday how I wish the same thing that’s happening with other foods would happen with sweets. If I could wake up tomorrow and be turned off by ice cream and cakes and cookies, that would be simply splendid. Because that is my huge weakness.

My birthday’s in just over a month, and I want a cupcake sooo badly. Not even a whole cake, I would be happy just going to the store and buying two cupcakes, one for Matt and one for myself. I’m sure I could fit it in my budget (they seem to run about 200 calories each), but it almost feels like I’m rewarding myself with food again, and I feel guilty about that. Bleh, I don’t know. I have a month to work out my feelings on that.

Day 44

2010-05-21T13:02:00.001-04:00

So that thing I bought that goes around your arm and is supposed to hold your iPod? Yeah, it’s so going back. It was either falling off or it was too uncomfortable to wear, there was no in between. Oh well. Looks like I’m getting the wrist weights.

I was going to run today, but I couldn’t even make it through my warm ups without stopping, so I just walked instead. I had to make a conscious effort to keep my pace slow, but otherwise I made it through with little issue. It was a beautiful day for a walk, and I’m very tempted to go out again. I don’t want to push myself too far, though.

I don’t know if I’ll run next week either. I’m almost wondering if I should start the program over when I am able to get back to it. Though I’ve no idea when that might even be. A woman I work with suggested last night that I might have bronchitis, and I hope she’s wrong. I mean, it wouldn’t be abnormal for me, I typically come down with bronchitis once a year, and I skipped this year. Of course, I was hoping that my dance with tonsillitis would have granted me that pass. Here’s hoping. Whatever it is, I hope it’s gone soon. I really don’t want to have to go to the doctor.

Day 43

2010-05-20T12:06:00.001-04:00

I’m still sick. This is getting ridiculous. It’s been almost a week. Does anyone have any tips or tricks to make you get better faster? I’m taking Day/Nightquil, my daily vitamin, extra vitamin C, extra fruits and veggies and lots of water.

I tried to do this new yoga thing this morning, and it was nuts. I don’t think I sweat that much during my cardio routines. I liked it, but it wasn’t what I was going for when I chose a yoga routine off the Exercise TV channel this morning. I think I’ll try it again when I’m feeling better.

For anyone who’s been watching The Biggest Loser, Daris fell below the yellow line with a two pound weight gain. I’m rather fond of Daris (truth be told, I have a little crush on him), and I want to see him have his chance. He’s worked so hard, and he made a mistake. Poor kid was under a lot of stress, makes sense. He has to learn how to over come that. Koli, on the other hand, ran from his old life. I’m afraid he’s going to be another of those who leave the show and gains his weight back. So I plead with everyone to go here and vote for Daris. Please and thank you. ^.^

Day 42

2010-05-19T11:20:00.001-04:00

I just had a long post done up, complete with measurements, and my computer ate it. I think I swore loudly enough for the neighbors to hear. And there goes all the relaxing feelings from the yoga I did this morning.

Anywho, today was measurement day. I last measured myself a month ago, so I thought now would be a good time to retake them, see what’s changed.

Chest: 40.5”
Waist: 35.5”
Hips: 39”
Thigh: 21.75”
Bicep: 12.5”

So that’s 2 inches from my chest, 2 from my waist, 2.5 from my hips, and .5 from both my thigh and my bicep, for a grand total of 7.5 inches lost over this past month. I was very surprised by how much I lost. I mean, I’ve lost 20 pounds, I know I had to have lost inches somewhere, but I didn’t realize it would be that many, you know?

So yesterday went well, as well as a funeral can go, I guess. Afterwards I got to hang out with my brother and cousins (I hadn’t seen my cousins in years). I’ve always been the only girl, and growing up I used to try to keep up with them with eating (probably part of what got me into this situation). So when my brother told me he was ordering Philly Cheese Steak pizza, I think everyone was surprised when I bowed out. I was made fun of for counting calories, but when I pointed out that there were at least 1000 calories in each slice, they stopped teasing. I was worried I’d cave and eat a slice at first (I love Philly Cheese Steak), but when I saw it…yeah, nothing to worry about. It looked gross. I’m sure it’s something I would have eaten before, but now…ew.

I’m still sick (did I mention it takes me forever to get over colds?), but I am feeling better. I did an hour of yoga this morning, as I didn’t think I could handle anything more involved. I was going to run, but I think I’m going to wait until Friday to run. I’m on the last day of week 2, and this way I can get on a MWF schedule, with Monday being the first day of the new week. I’m kind of anal about things like that.

Since I’m doing my rewards based on what I’ve lost total, not what I’ve lost while on Lose It!, I bought myself my 20lb reward yesterday. I got one of those things that straps around your arm and holds your iPod when you run. It even has a little pocket where I can store some cash, in case I need water NOW. I know I’ve completely deviated from my original rewards list, but as I’ve gone along, I’ve found I want different things more.

Day 41

2010-05-18T07:57:00.001-04:00

I was able to do a little yoga today, which surprised me. I really thought all the hanging upside down (or at least bent over) would be the end of me, but apparently not. I think I’d like to invest in some yoga work out DVDs. It seems to be something I like.

Today’s going to be an emotionally stressful one. My great-aunt’s funeral is today. She passed about two months ago while she, my grandfather, and my grandmother were down in Florida. They wanted to wait to have the service until they were back in New York, mainly because the family is up here. Also, I just found out that my mother will be there (something I expected, she knew Mary F years longer than the rest of us). I haven’t been around my mother in four years. I don’t want drama, especially not at a funeral, and a part of me wonders if I should just not go, just to make sure that nothing goes down. My plan is to just ignore her, to stay as far away as possible while still letting my grandfather and grandmother know that I love them and am there, but I can’t be sure as to what she will do. A part of me wants to just stay stuck to my dad and step-mom, but I’m afraid that’ll cause a different kind of drama later on. Gah! On the one hand, I really want to use my illness to beg out of today, pay my respects on my own, because I’m sure Mary F (and my grandparents) would understand. On the other, I don’t want to have to run from family events (the good and the bad) for the rest of my life just because I’m afraid my mother will make a scene.

So, on top of all this mess, there’s the reception, where there’s bound to be food I shouldn’t be eating, and my brother, my cousins, and myself are going bowling later tonight. I’m an emotional eater. And I’m so afraid I’m going to blow my diet to hell and back at one or both places. Although, with my nerves as they are, I feel too sick to eat. Maybe that’ll work in my favor.

Day 40

2010-05-17T12:31:00.001-04:00

Weight: 158
BFP: 37.2%

I didn’t do much yesterday. I tried to do the dishes before supper (as I hadn’t had the energy to wash them as I went along during the day, as I usually do), and I just couldn’t do it. I’d wash a dish, stand there and pant, wash another, pant, and on it went for a half an hour. My husband found me sitting on the floor, completely out of energy just from trying to wash a few cups, a couple plates, and a handful of silverware. He put me to bed and finished up. So, since it lasted more than a half an hour and made me breathe heavily, and seeing as I was sick, I counted that as my moderate exercise for the day. Cheating, I know, but I felt like crap.

I still feel icky today, but not as bad. I’m debating whether or not I should expend what energy I have on attempting my C25K training, since I missed it yesterday. Probably not a good idea. I want to do something, though. I spent all day yesterday in bed, and it sucked. I know I was sick and that I really couldn’t do anything, but I wanted to be moving. It felt wrong to just lay in bed all day and sleep. Big progress from just a few months ago, when all I did was lay in bed all day.

The upshot of being sick? I’ve been drinking a lot of water. ^.^ Always try to find the positive, right?

Day 39

2010-05-16T05:52:00.001-04:00

*moans* I feel…well, a lot of words and phrases come to mind, none of them suitable for public usage. Let’s just say I feel icky and leave it at that. It started last night. I kept sneezing, and I kept telling the girl I was working with that it was crazy how thirsty I was. I’d take a power chug, but as soon as I swallowed, my throat started burning again like I was parched. She suggested diabetes, which scared the hell out of me, even though I’ve always tested on the low side of normal, even after food. See, my great grandmother died of diabetes, and my grandmother, aunt, and mother all have it. Avoiding diabetes is one of the many reasons I decided to turn my life around.

So I’m going along, trying to do my work, trying to figure out why I’m so thirsty as I sneeze and have trouble focusing. Around eight I looked quickly over my shoulder and about fell over; it felt like the room tipped on its side. My first thought was if I had eaten enough. But then it hit me: I wasn’t thirsty, my throat was sore. Insert rather nasty cuss word here.

This just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, aren’t people who eat right and take a daily vitamin supposed to have better immune systems? I know this won’t mess with the food aspect of my diet, but the last thing I feel like doing is going out for a run. Granted, I wasn’t going to go this morning anyway (I would have had to have gotten up at 3am), but I was going to go in the afternoon. I don’t think I could even manage Pilates today.

I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed with a nice hot cup of lemon tea, but the new kid they have working overnights apparently doesn’t know that when a phone rings, you’re supposed to pick it up. So I’ll go in, tell them I’m only there until the next Express comes in, then come home. To crawl into bed and die.

Sorry, I turn into a whiny baby (edited) when I’m sick.

Day 38

2010-05-15T10:55:00.001-04:00

So yesterday I started making smoothies. The first batch was a little runny, but I think I fixed that this morning. Here’s the recipe I did up, makes two servings, 146 calories:

1/2 cup each:
strawberries
blueberries
blackberries
raspberries
12oz light yogurt
1 cup juice (I used the Ocean Spray Diet Blueberry for 5 calories a cup)

Blend and pour.

It was kind of neat yesterday. Matt was getting ready, and he asked me to check that he got his sideburns even. So I go to even them out for him, and he places his hands on my hips. Just something he’s always done. Only this time he said “Woh,” pulled back and looked down, like he was checking to see that he had grabbed the right spot. It made me smile.

I spent much of yesterday adding pictures to my little how I got here page. It was rather depressing, actually seeing the way my weight has gone up and down. I’ve never laid the pictures out and looked at them like that. I mean, I’d look and say, “Oh look how skinny I used to be,” but I never really put it together.

My interview yesterday never happened. I got an email from the guy later in the day (it was sent out four minutes after the interview was supposed to start) that he had a scheduling conflict. But he said he’s “very much so interested” in speaking with me, so that’s good, right?

Day 37

2010-05-14T09:22:00.001-04:00

Day 2, week 2 complete! I have to push myself, be very stern and tell myself to keep going, I can stop running when the little man says, just make it to that tree up ahead, but I still did it. I’m a little worried about Tuesday. I think running for three minutes will be difficult, but I’ll push through it. If it’s something I can’t do, I’ll just repeat week 2.

So I’ve heard back from the bank I applied at, but not from Home Depot. Funny, I thought it would be the other way around. I have a phone interview with the bank today, and I hope it goes well. Having a full time, nine to five type job would take so much stress off of me right now, and stress is never a good thing for weight loss. I think I’d still stay at the store on weekends, though. One, if the bank doesn’t work out, it will be easier to get back into my old schedule if I never left. And two, I really want to win this weight loss/wellness challenge. And I can only do that if I’m still an employee.

I’m starting to think that I won’t be able to reach my current goal weight (120lbs), at least not while staying healthy. I ran the numbers again (like I said, nerd), and at my current body composition, if I were to click my fingers and make every ounce of fat disappear, I’d weigh 101.1lbs. A low healthy BFP for women 20-39 is 21%. So if my math is correct, and assuming that I could then click back on a healthy amount of fat, that would put me at 128lbs. However, if my muscle mass goes up (which it probably will), that number will go up as well. I’ll see how things look when I get closer, but it looks like my end weight is going to be around 130. Sadly, that number still makes me cringe. Obviously, that’s something I still need to work on. I just want to be healthy, above all else. I want to get my BFP down to a healthy range and I want to feel better. I’ll have to come to terms with whatever number is on the scale when that happens.

I spent most of yesterday writing down how I got to this point in my life. I figured as this blog is focused on my journey to take the weight off, it would be beneficial for me to spend some time on how the weight got there to begin with. It was rather eye opening. It’s under the page “The whys of it all” at the top. Really, it’s just for me, and it’s long as hell, but feel free to read if you want to kill some time.

Day 36

2010-05-13T12:40:00.001-04:00

So last night I fiddled with the blog some. I added a page where I’m going to be keeping the video blogs I’ve done (it won’t let me load up the second one, though, because it’s too long). I’m debating adding a page where I keep the weekly numbers (what I’ve lost in pounds and how that translates into what I’ve lost in fat) and one touching on how I got to this point, with pictures. This would all be for me, just so I have a one stop shop to keep all this stuff, but ya’ll are free to look through it.

I found a new way to burn off some stress that I’m pretty sure burns off some calories as well. I’m always tapping out some rhythm, left over from my choir days, I think. Well, this morning I went beyond tapping, to the point were I was pretty much slapping the crap out of the surface of my desk, and stomping a beat along to it. Smarted my palms, made one hell of a noise, and made everything on my desk jump, but I feel better.

Today I drove around the roads that I walk. I have three ways that I usually take, but as I don’t have a reliable pedometer, I had no idea how long they were. Now I know. The route that takes me through the park (the one I’ve been going most often) is 2.1 miles. The one that takes me up past the school is 2.6 miles. And the long one that takes me down by the lake is 4 miles even. I really thought they were all much longer, but maybe that’s because I live in a very hilly town.

Day 35

2010-05-12T11:45:00.001-04:00

So I finished day 1, week 2 of my C25K training today. Yay me. I forgot my braces, though, and my knee started bugging me a bit towards the end. So Thursday I must remember the braces.

I noticed my stretches are getting easier today. Hopefully that means I’ll start to build longer muscles instead of bulkier ones. I want my thighs to be long and lean, not the size of Paris Hilton’s waist. *sigh*

So, I’ve been thinking about how I want to change not just my body, but my life during this whole thing. I started with rearranging the rooms. I’ve been complaining for years that I don’t like the way things are laid out. But did I ever do anything to change it? Nope. Now I have, and I’m much happier. There are other things I want to change too that I’d like to work on.

I want to get back to school. I had to drop out of college four years ago when my mum refused to provide me with her FAFSA information, leaving me without funding. Since then I’ve tried to get back into school three times, but have never been able to get enough funding. Then last year I realized I’ve no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. Ideally, I’d love to write, but that’s like saying, “Oh, I want to be an actress.” And while I have noticed that my writing gets better with every English class I take, it doesn’t make sense for me to spend thousands of dollars on an education that I’m not sure I’m going to be able to use. But last night I came up with a solution. Starting in the fall, I’m going to start auditing classes. I’ll pick a wide variety, sit in on them, take the tests, do the homework, etc, so I can see what interests me most. And I won’t have to pay for it. True, I’d just have to take the classes over again when I decide what I want to go for, but this just seems to make the most sense to me.

Another thing I’d like to work on is lending some balance to my life. I’ve always been the type of person that I give everything I have to whatever holds my focus at the time, and everything else suffers. That’s what’s going on right now; my life is circling around getting fit. I need to learn how to balance things out, because until I do, I still won’t be healthy. I’m just a little nervous to start introducing things in right at the moment. A part of me is worried that I won’t be able to divide my focus, and it will be my health that suffers. So I’ll wait until I try to work something else in.

Day 34

2010-05-11T11:15:00.001-04:00

So I survived yesterday! We went to Uno’s, and I scoured the menu. I wanted to order something that would be healthy and within my calorie limits, but that I’d actually enjoy as well. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve ordered the lowest calorie thing on the menu because I thought I had to, then binged later on. So I got this baked, stuffed chicken breast with the steamed broccoli and brown rice, asked for a box, and the first thing I did was send half the chicken and half the rice into the box. I only got about a cup of broccoli, so I ate that. I logged it all into Lose It! and apparently what I ate was approx 399 calories, which was well within my budget. So yay me! I did buy a chocolate chip cookie on the way home, but I’m okay with that. It fit in my budget, and I thought I’d have the entire thing gone before we got out of that town, but I could only eat half of it then. I ate the other half after dinner.

What kind of sucked was I was asking the waitress different things, and my grandma pipes up with “she’s counting her calories.” *sigh* This is something that both grandmothers and my mother have a bad habit of doing, and I have to learn to start dealing with it. It was embarrassing as hell, especially as the waitress was very slim and pretty, but really, it doesn’t matter.

On the up side, my grandmother greeted me, “Hey, skinny!” ^.^

And becuase I'm a nerd, I figured out the numbers of my weight loss. Here's what I've gotten, based on the numbers off my scale:

Week 1: 178lbs, 40.5%BFP, 72.1lbs of fat
Week 2: 168lbs, 38.7%BFP, 64.5lbs of fat (7.6lbs of fat lost)
Week 3: 164lbs, 38.7%BFP, 63.5lbs of fat (1lb of fat lost)
Week 4: 162lbs, 38.7%BFP, 62.7lbs of fat (.8lbs of fat lost)
Week 5: 161lbs, 37.2%BFP, 59.9lbs of fat (2.8lbs of fat lost)

Looking at the numbers like that makes me realize not only that I've done well these past few weeks, but that I still have a lot farther to go.

To date I've lost 17 pounds. 12.2 pounds of that has been fat. Making 71.8% of my weight loss fat. Not exactly the 75/25 ratio I should be aiming for, but pretty damned close.

Day 33

2010-05-10T10:08:00.001-04:00

Weight: 161
BFP: 37.2%

So I only lost one pound, but I lost 1.5% of my body fat, so yay! I really wanted to see a bigger weight loss number, but as long as I’m still losing, that’s all that matters. And I’m hoping it might not have been as big a number as I was hoping for because I’ve started gaining muscle. I read somewhere that when the average person is working out on a daily basis, they can gain about a pound of muscle a week.

As soon as I’m done here, I have to go get ready to go see my grandma. I’m kind of worried. Matt keeps saying not to worry about it, just don’t write things down today. But that’s what got me last time. One day of not writing things down led to another, and another, until I completely fell off track. First he was talking about going to the Chinese buffet, and my first thought was, “Ah hell.” Seriously, what is there at a Chinese buffet that’s low cal? And I love Chinese food. Now he’s talking about Uno’s. *sigh* I’ll just have to do the best I can. And ask the waiter to bring a box right off the bat. Because if I don’t set at least half the meal aside right away and get it out of my sight, I’ll clear the plate. I have a bad habit that if food’s in front of me, even if I’m not hungry, I’ll munch. I won’t even realize I’m doing it.

So I finished my first week of the C25K program today. It was not easy. There were a couple times where I was ready to run longer, and I was like, “Okay, isn’t it time to run yet?” while I was walking, but there were also times when I had to tell myself that yes, I could do this, and I was going to run until the little guy said otherwise.

I had a couple moments I was proud of last night. I was standing in front of the doughnut display at work, ogling the apple filled doughnuts. I wanted one soooo badly. I even went so far as to enter it into Lose It! It fit within my daily limits, and it looked so yummy up there, with it’s cinnamon and sugar coating and promise of sweet apple goodness inside. But as I was standing there, staring up at the thing like an idiot (thank god the store was almost empty), I realized that while I had the 298 calories to spend, there was so much else I’d rather spend it on. I could have a bowl of strawberries and a piece of dark chocolate when I got home (130 calories), or a salad with my soup I was planning for dinner. Hell, I could have both! So I walked away, without the doughnut.

Then I had to go to Wal-Mart. I’ve been craving a Big Mac for ages. Not even a whole one, I’d be happy to cut it in half and split it with Matt. And on the drive over to Wal-Mart, I got thinking about the Mac Snack Wrap. I was doing the math in my head: a tortilla is 150 calories, there’s probably about 10 calories with the lettuce and onion. How many calories could there be in the hamburger and special sauce? Apparently 170, as the whole thing is 330. So as I was walking into Wal-Mart, I told myself that I’d just go into McDonalds and ask for the calories, that way I’d be informed. Can’t hurt to ask, right? So I did. And I walked out. Without the snack wrap. I was so proud of myself.

Day 32

2010-05-09T12:05:00.001-04:00

I forgot this morning that I was going to start weighing myself on Sundays for this challenge. I’ve already eaten and drank about two bottles of water today, so I’ll just weigh myself tomorrow, and next week start doing it on Sundays.

So Matt and I are going to go see my grandmother and step-mom tomorrow (a late Mother’s Day visit), and I’m worried about the food issue. I haven’t yet had to eat something away from home that I didn’t prepare. How is it going to look, “Oh, I’m sorry, just give me a second, could you? I just have to look up the calories of everything so I know what I can eat. Thanks. Oh, and I’ll need some measuring cups too, if you have them.” I’m sure they’ll understand, but still. At least the visit’s at the beginning of the week, that way if I go over, I have the rest of the week to push myself over it.

So the store I work at is opening a new branch just over the hill from me. The HR specialist told a few people who called about it that she was hiring from our store first, since we were closest and we had the largest percentage of people who’d been with the company for a while who were interested. They just posted a few of the positions Wednesday, and I applied for three. I think I only have a chance of getting maybe one of those, Front End Supervisor. I pays more than Lead Customer Service Clerk, but I want the LCSC job more. I hate front end. True, if I was FES, I wouldn’t be on register much, but I’m not too fond of supervising either. I either have to stand out front and queue customers, or bag, I can’t do both because I’m too short to see over the registers. *sigh* I was talking to one of the guys last night, and we think that our LCSC is going to be leaving the store for one of two jobs. If she does, than L (my main competition for the LCSC job) would take her job, leaving the position in the new store open. I’m the next qualified person, and everyone thinks that I’d get it if L wasn’t going for it.

I’m trying not to stress over this, because I know that stressing will just make me retain weight, but it’s sort of hard not to. I mean, I need full time. I really don’t want to have to go elsewhere, since I have insurance and benefits already. Not to mention that I already have four years with the company. I’d try to get by on the extra time I’d get from everyone being gone (we’re going to lose at least three people from the office alone), but that still wouldn’t be enough. Part of me wonders if I should drop my insurance so I can have that extra $80 a week, but if I do that, I’m not guaranteed 20 hours a week. And there are people who are only getting between 8 and 10 hours a week. Which would screw me even more.

I need to relax. I need to stop stressing. I need to just put my applications in, take a deep breath, and admit that it’s out of my hands at that point and there’s nothing more I can do about it. If I’m meant to get one of the full time jobs, I will. If not, I won’t. There’s nothing more I can do about it.

Day 31

2010-05-08T12:14:00.001-04:00

Something about hearing that little voice say, “Work out complete” just makes me grin like a damned fool. It doesn’t matter that my legs feel like they’re going to fall off, or that it feels like I’m breathing in gasoline, that I’ve finished another day just makes me so happy. And I did walking stretches I found online before I left (practically a work out of their own), then did some other stretches, some yoga, and some Pilates when I got home, so my muscles don’t hurt as much. I’m hoping that after a while I won’t need to do so much (between the stretching, the run, and everything else, it was an hour and a half).

I made the quiche last night. It came out to be 156 calories a serving. The next lowest calorie recipe I found was 317, and it hardly had anything in it. I still want to tweak the recipe some before I post it.

The living room is all rearranged. I about killed myself doing it, but it has a better flow now. Oddly enough, it reminds me of my grandmother’s house for some reason, but I can’t place my finger on why. There’s more room now, so Matt can join me in my work outs. And once we throw out the old chair (we just have to wait for dump day to take it), we’ll have room for a treadmill. Matt’s willing to get one, too, which is a big change for him. So yay! It’ll be nice not having to wonder if the finicky New York weather is going to behave so I can do my C25K training.

Day 30

2010-05-07T09:30:00.001-04:00

Wow. Thirty days. I think this is about the point last time that I discovered Twilight and fell off the wagon as I was too busy reading and rereading to take the time to exercise. So here’s to another thirty days.

My thighs are so tight right now. I haven’t been spending enough time stretching, I guess. I’ll try doubling the time, see if that helps. I’ve been lunging around the house since getting back from my walk this morning. It’s the muscle on the top of my thighs, specifically my left thigh, that’s being difficult. I tried downloading a stretching app, but the way it has you stretching puts much of your weight right on the knee, with the foot lifted off the ground. It hurts way too much for me to do. So I Googled stretching, and have been doing those. Sheesh, I wish I had a trainer. It would make my life so much easier.

I’m going to be moving around the living room today. Which should prove fun, as it’s the room with the largest furniture. I just hope I don’t hurt Matt’s stereo. He would be very upset about that. After I’m done with the living room, I’m going to start with that quiche. I have some ideas about what I’m going to do, I just hope they work. Fingers crossed!

Day 29

2010-05-06T11:22:00.001-04:00

I have an announcement to make: I, Miki, completed my first day of C25K training today, and I survived. I’ve never been able to run before. Through most of high school I wasn’t even cleared to run because of my back. First I was taken off swim team, then I was completely restricted in gym class. All I was allowed to do was walk. My senior year I got a new orthopedic specialist, and he cleared me for all gym activity. I survived volleyball, badminton, basketball, and our free month where my best friend and I did Pilates from a tape during class. I even took archery, and actually was able to hit the target nine times out of ten by the end. But it was when we started the track unit that I thought I was going to die. For some reason the teacher thought it would be a brilliant idea to have us run a mile, cross country, right off the bat. So here I am, all pleased because I’ve been cleared, and there are actually people behind me. Maybe two minutes in I start wheezing and have to stop. I walk a ways, fall behind, start running again. 100 feet from the finish line I collapse, in a full blown asthma attack, laying there in the grass struggling for breath, and everyone’s running by me. No one can leave till we all finish, and at this point everyone else is finished, so everyone starts yelling at me to get a move on. I manage to stumble over the finish line and pant out to the teacher that I need to go to the nurse for my inhaler. She just rolled her eyes and told me to go. The next day I went to the doctor and got myself cleared from the track unit.

So the fact that I actually finished the first day is so huge for me. Granted, I only ran for a minute at a time, and the last couple times were more difficult, and I really should have brought my inhaler with me, but you know what? I finished. That’s all that matters to me. I’m hoping that by doing the C25K training, I’ll be able to finally run. I’m hoping it helps strengthen my lungs, because they’ve been getting worse. I’m hoping to finish this program, then start the Bridge to 10K after I’m finished. There’s a 10k run/walk in October I’d love to run.

I’ve been looking at the C25K program for a while now, and had decided that I’d try it when I hit my half-way mark (27.5 pounds lost). Then yesterday I was watching Biggest Loser on Hulu (yes, again), and I saw Michael run 5 miles. Michael, the guy who started the show weighing in at 526 and at the time he ran was 350 something. I was thinking, this man weighs more than twice what I do, and he’s running. What’s my excuse? So this morning I downloaded the app, the first app I’ve ever paid for, and started my training. Yay me.

Yesterday I had a squee-worthy moment. Matt comes up to me right before I leave for work, looks me up and down, and says, “Damn, you’re getting skinny.” I could have died happy. Only one other person has ever referred to me as skinny, and he had two 400 pound daughters and thought his 250 daughter was a twig. So, yeah, big moment for me.

Day 28

2010-05-05T13:02:00.001-04:00

So today’s a little weird. Today I’m writing before my exercise, not after. Why, might you ask? Oh, because my husband decided that after five years of waking me up before he leaves, he would choose the day that I had something I needed to tell him not to. So because everyone he knows seems to be unlisted, and we don’t have any of their numbers on our white board, I have to walk up to his friend’s house, hope that they have the phone number of the place that he’s working, walk back, and pray that they answer. Because when my boss wrote the schedule this week, she didn’t have anyone in the office for half an hour. So I have to go into work an hour early. And we have only one car.

Oh, did I mention that it’s a six mile round trip? Yeah. Good times. At least it’s not raining.

So last night I bought a blender so I can start making smoothies. I think I’m going to look at a few smoothie recipes so I can grasp the basics, then I might start making my own.

This is odd. I’ve never been much of a cook. Baking, sure, I could bake like you couldn’t believe. When my brother was in grade school, I made chocolate chip cookies for him to sell in their bake sale. They were the first to sell out, and the teacher sent him home for more, even though there were other chocolate chip cookies there. And I’d tweak those recipes, make them my own, but I never made up a recipe. And I’d never even tweak a cooking recipe. So for me to be doing this, and with health food none the less, is just bizarre to me.

Day 27

2010-05-04T09:52:00.001-04:00

If this morning was any indication of how today’s going to go, I might as well drag my ass back to bed. First, I couldn’t wake up. I had to drag myself into the bathroom to start my day. That hasn’t happened for a while. Then when I was doing my Pilates, I remembered that I need 30 minutes of moderate activity each day, or activity that changes how I breathe. Even if I can count the Pilates, I still need ten more minutes. And then when I was trying to get my breakfast together, I kept knocking the cereal box over. I must have dumped at least a cup and a half onto the floor. *sigh*

I forgot to mention that yesterday was the first official day of the Well at Work challenge. I got all the points I could yesterday, but I sort of had to work to get the fruits and veggies in. I mean, by the end of the day I was more than there, and I’m sure I was underestimating my values (the paper says we need 5 or more cups, I go mostly by ounces). I think a lot of that was because I over slept again and missed one meal (I had breakfast and dinner, cut lunch). I made up for the calories though, with all that fruit.

Matt and I got a bag of mandarin oranges when we went shopping the other day, and I think I might have to go grab another bag. They’re only 50 calories each, packed with vitamin C, and are very versatile. I ate a bunch of them as is yesterday, but for supper I put them to good use. For supper I started with 3oz of spinach (approx 2 cups), added a pealed and segmented mandarin orange, half an ounce of cheese, and a Tbsp of sunflower seeds. Atop all that I added a salmon patty, and squeezed the juice from one mandarin orange over everything instead of dressing. It was yummy. And it didn’t make me sick again, so added bonus.

Day 26

2010-05-03T13:38:00.001-04:00

Weight: 162
BFP: 38.7%

So I’ve lost 2 pounds and .1% of my body fat this past week. That’s not so bad.

Last night was…difficult for me. The tacos were great, but I had no idea how filling they were going to be. Matt and I each ate two, when one was more than enough. I should have listened to my first instinct and just stuck with one. I don’t think there was anything wrong with the tacos themselves, because Matt was fine. So I don’t know if it was just that they reacted badly with me, or that I ate too much, or what, but I got so sick. I tried laying still, walking around, chewing mint gum, drinking mint tea, I tried everything I could think of, and still I felt like I was going to throw up. Around the second hour of this I started to worry about food poisoning. Yes,
Matt was just fine, but I’ve always been more sensitive to these things. I wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong, I only knew that I seriously thought I was going to be very sick. So I did something I promised myself years ago I would never do again. I made myself sick. I brought up about half the meal, and that was enough to make me feel better. But at the same time, I felt terrible. The entire time I kept asking myself why the hell I used to do this voluntarily every day, a few times a day. And while, yes, there was a tiny voice in the back of my head that kept saying, “Well, you’ve done it now, might as well finish the job,” mostly I kept thinking, “Please, for the love of god, let this be the time to bring up whatever’s making me sick so I can stop.”

I don’t know if this means I’ve relapsed or not. On the one hand, I was sick. I suffered for hours before I used purging as a last resort. And I left much of the meal on my stomach, something I would have never done before. There also wasn’t that sick satisfaction I used to get at the end, the, “That’s right, I did this,” feeling. I’d completely forgotten about that until last night. I used to be so pleased every time I threw up and didn’t get caught, so proud of myself, like I was doing something wonderful. Last night I just felt dirty. I still get that feeling of pride, though now it’s when I complete a work out, or eat something healthy.

In favor of relapse, however, there’s the fact that I did go into that bathroom and bring up what I had eaten. I keep telling myself, yeah, I was sick, but was it because I ate too much? If it is, then this is all my doing, and I just resorted to old habits to fix it.

But it’s not like I was all, “Oh, I ate too much, I’m going to gain weight. I must fix this.” I was under budget yesterday. I ate too much, yes, but I didn’t bring up my meal because of that, I did it because I felt very sick and I was miserable. I even tried going to sleep, hoping I’d digest while unconscious. Didn’t work.

I feel like I’m trying to rationalize my actions to myself. Maybe I am. I just wish I could go back and change yesterday, only make a taco each for Matt and I, then put the rest away for later. But you can’t change the past, only live with the consequences.

I feel like crap today. I didn’t have the energy to complete my work out, so I basically dragged myself through it. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t have my full dinner on my stomach last night, or if it was from my lack of sleep. I was up late last night thinking about what I’d done and what that meant for my recovery. I guess I just have to pick myself up and move on.

Low cal tacos

2010-05-02T20:05:00.001-04:00

I made low cal tacos tonight, and they were yummy and VERY filling. They're much more substantial than something similar you'd get at Taco Bell, and I'm sure the calories are fewer. Also, I made my own taco seasoning, so no extra salt and chemicals there. They came out spicy, but not too bad. I don't do well with hot food, and it had flavor, made my lips tingle, but didn't send me screaming for the milk jug. Plus, they were super easy to make, and not very expensive. I don't have children, but I could easily see myself making these with my 10 year old niece without much issue. Just please be careful if you are shredding your own cheese.

The cheese I used is 75% fat free, 60 cal an ounce. The tortillas are 121 cal each.

I was amazed that something that I not only cooked, but created a recipe for just by what spices smelled good together from the cupboard came out so yummy. So, here's the recipe I came up with:

Ingredients:

1 large boneless, skinless chicken breast (aprox 8 oz)
2 tsp EVOO
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp dried cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
4 Tbsp salsa
2 oz low fat cheese, shredded
1 cup romaine lettuce, shredded
1/4 med tomato, diced
4 whole wheat tortillas

How to:

Cut chicken into large, even pieces. Combine spices and EVOO into non stick pan. Stir to combine. Add chicken, and stir to coat with spice/EVOO mixture. Cook covered over medium heat for aprox 7 minutes, or till heated through. Take off heat and transfer to plate. Using two forks, shred chicken to desired consistency. Return to pan. Toss to coat with any spice mixture that was still in the pan. Divide all ingredients equally onto the tortillas. Enjoy!

Serves 4
251 cal

Day 25

2010-05-02T07:26:00.001-04:00

So I weigh in tomorrow. Wonder what (if anything) I’ve lost. On the one hand, I stayed within my limits, worked out, did all that good stuff. On the other, I ate those damned cookies (which are now gone), totally screwed with my sleep schedule, and drank diet soda two of those days. So I don’t know what to expect.

Next week I’m going to try to make two things. I’ve been thinking, and I need to come up with some more low cal recipes that are yummy so I don’t get bored and binge. I want to see if I can make a low cal quiche (using egg whites, 75% fat free cheese, and veggies) and low cal tacos (chicken, and maybe low cal tortillas). I’ve also been thinking about a mac and cheese recipe I can maybe do, I’d stir broccoli tops in, maybe a few other veggies. I’ll post any recipes I come up with.

Last night I was debating doing something special when I hit my half-way point (27.5 pounds). I’m thinking about going to a local spa. Don’t know for sure yet though.

Day 24

2010-05-01T13:36:00.001-04:00

I am so tired. I didn’t want to, but I’m going to skip my workout today. I might do a couple laps around the house after my breakfast, but I won’t have the energy for much more. I was stupid. I got home at 6:30. Instead of going right to bed and getting up at 1 (6.5 hours of sleep), I watched Biggest Loser reruns on Hulu.com until 9. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I know this is part of the reason why I’m over weight, and it has to stop. Tonight I am dragging my ass to bed as soon as I get home.

On the flip side of the coin, I was so inspired by the people on that show, and it was only the second episode of the new season. I’ve never watched Biggest Loser, though I caught the finale once when I was in high school. I see two things when I look at those people: I see the heartache I will face if I don’t change now. And I see how strong and courageous I’ll have to be to make this change. If these people can drop what I weighed at the beginning, I should be able to drop a mere 55 pounds. And keep it off. And for once be happy with my body.

I know I’ll never be a size 0. Hell, I’ll never be a 4. I know the best I can hope for is probably a 6. This has nothing to do with how much I can lose, but with how I’m built. I have wide hips and I’m barrel chested. I didn’t understand this before, which I’m sure added to my illness. I got to the point where I just couldn’t lose any more, and I was still 120 pounds and a size 7. It pissed me off, confused the hell out of me, and I’m sure only made things worse.

I weighed 125 in this picture, and I thought I was huge. All I could see where the bad parts: how my arms were flabby and my tummy had a little pouch.

I weight about the same in this picture as I do now (I was about 165, I believe), and this is what I never want again. Forget the weight, forget the size, I never want another picture taken of me where I feel I have to put my arm over my stomach to try to hide it.

And finally, this is where I will never, ever be again. I have no idea exactly what I weighed in this picture, as I stayed away from scales at all costs, but a few months later I signed up for the weight loss challenge at work for the first time. And weighed in at 180. I will never be there again.

Day 23

2010-04-30T19:04:00.001-04:00

So aside from no one knowing what the hell I was supposed to do last night, it went well. I ended up needing two breakfasts today—one when I got home, and one now, when I got up—but that’s fine. These nights are open every week. I’m thinking I might put in for them. It’s guaranteed 16 hours a week at an extra dollar an hour, the work isn’t bad (I spent the first four hours cleaning, and the rest of the night pacing or reading), and the guys who stock seem nice. So if I take these shifts, and I have my shifts I work every Tuesday and Saturday, and they’ve been working me every Sunday (another extra dollar an hour), that’d put me up close to 35 hours a week, which is the max I can get. And I wouldn’t have to get a second job. So while it might take me a bit to figure out a way to get my system used to two overnights a week, I think it’d be better for me in the long run. We’ll see how tomorrow goes, though, that’ll be the real test. I work until 6am tomorrow, then I have to come back at 3:30 to work until 9:30. If I get home at 6:30, get in bed by 7, and get up at noon, that’s only 5 hours of sleep. Yikes.

Day 22

2010-04-29T19:27:00.001-04:00

So I’m a little out of sorts today. You’ve no idea how weird it is to eat breakfast at 7pm. And I was thinking about it, my calories Saturday will probably be up there. I’m going to be eating dinner that night (early am) at work, then get home and either eat breakfast, then sleep, or sleep then breakfast. Then I’ll eat my lunch some time, and my dinner maybe when I get home from work. So I’ll have two dinners that day. But I’m not going to have a dinner today (I’ll eat it early am tomorrow). Like I said, out of sorts.

Day 21

2010-04-28T14:52:00.001-04:00

So I was right, messing my schedule up is messing me up. I fee all off, sleeping till 1, then getting up and doing things. I actually woke up at 7, even though I didn’t get to bed until after 3. And tonight I’m going to stay awake until at least 6 tomorrow morning, thinking about staying up till 7. See, the shift runs from 10pm to 6am, and my first one is tomorrow night. This is so weird, I’m thrown all off.

I got my Girl Scout Cookies yesterday. We won’t even talk about how many I ate. Let’s just say, it was way too damn many. And I didn’t even want to eat most of the ones I did. I just am eating them because they’re there and I want to get the damned things out of the house. I’ve been staying in budget (just barely). I did cardio today, even though I hadn’t planned to, and I think I’m going to do some more tonight.

Two books I’ve been waiting for came out, and I’m happy to say that they aren’t messing up my plan (any more than it’s already messed up). I did spend most of last night reading, but I was able to put down the book this morning not only to exercise and eat something healthy, but to do my morning house work and come post here. Last time, that wouldn’t have happened. So I see that as a big step in the right direction.

Day 20

2010-04-27T06:40:00.001-04:00

This morning I just did Pilates. The set I have comes with ideas for a schedule to start up, depending on what you want. For maximum weight loss, they suggest the 50 minute DVD MWF, and one of the 20 min DVDs TTS. I figure I’ll do that, then use my exercise ball and the resistance band on Sundays.

Yesterday I struggled to get more calories in. First I missed lunch (so I ended up 300 calories under budget), so I tried to make up for that. For dinner I cooked herb crusted chicken breasts (one breast was two servings), brown rice, and salads. It came to be 505 calories. And I almost couldn’t finish. Normally, I wouldn’t have worried about it. I would have tossed whatever was left (no room in the current fridge to store leftovers) and said yay for saving some calories. But I’m trying to get more calories in, so that would have been counterproductive. *sigh*

On the upside of things, our new fridge arrives Thursday! The old one kicked it a week or so ago, so we’ve been using my minifridge from college. It works well enough, but there’s not a lot of room. With the big fridge, we’ll be able to buy more healthy things, so we can have a wider variety. It also has an icemaker. It’s not one of those in the door types, the spot for a fridge in our kitchen isn’t big enough for one of those, but it still produces its own ice. Matt likes his drinks iced, and I’m hoping if he doesn’t have to take out a tray, crack it, and refill it, he’ll be more likely to drink. Here’s hoping!

Day 19

2010-04-26T12:39:00.001-04:00

So I weighed myself today. Even though I was initially happy, I really didn’t like what I read there:

Weight: 164
BFP: 38.7%

My BFP is the same that it was last week. Which means that the four pounds I lost between now and then was all muscle! So I’m changing things around again. I originally had my Lose It! program set to lose 1.5 pounds a week, which allotted me 1357 calories a day. I tweaked the calories down to 1220 a day, close to the 1200 I had allotted myself. If I set it to 2 pounds a week, it allots me 1107 a day. That’s a 250 calorie difference. So I’m thinking, if I try to eat the 1357 calories a day, my exercise could bring me down to the 1107 a day, sticking me back into the healthy range of weight loss and hopefully giving me a higher fat to muscle loss ratio. I’m going to try it for the week, see where it puts me.

Today I tried to have something a little different for breakfast. Typically I have a yogurt (between 90 and 110 calories) with a third cup of Bran Buds stirred in (70 calories), putting me under my 200 calorie breakfast budget. Today I had three egg whites (50 calories) with an ounce of 75% fat free cheese (70 calories), and four small pieces of ham (45 calories) stirred in. With that I had half of an Arnold Sandwich Thin (50 calories) with a teaspoon of apple butter (10 calories). So breakfast this morning was 224 calories. And I am sooo full!

If I add 26 calories to each meal, I will come really close to the 1357 I’m aiming for. The question becomes, how to do this? I’m already under budget on almost every meal, and I’m so full all day long, how am I going to make myself go over budget?

I cut my cardio out today, doing 30 minutes on my exercise ball instead (I added it in under Pilates, couldn’t find an exercise ball option). I’m wondering if I should stick to low impact strength training (Pilates, my exercise ball, resistance bands, walking, etc) for a while. At least until my allotted calories drop low enough where I have to burn off what I’m eating. That way I’m building muscle, which burns more calories than fat anyway.

I’m also wondering if I should add a weekly shock to my system now, instead of waiting. Matt and I were talking awhile ago about once a week going out and not worrying about what we eat for one meal. Keep track and don’t go over budget the rest of the day, but for that one meal get a Big Mac with fries, if that’s what we really want. It’d be a shock of calories to my system, which I’ve noticed tends to give people’s metabolism a kick. It’d have to be the same day every week, that way it’s evenly spaced, and we wouldn’t go super crazy (order a huge appetizer, three drinks, a huge meal, and dessert), just do something like order the Two for Twenty at Applebee’s. Another bonus would be that I wouldn’t be depriving myself of things that I like, so I’d be less likely to cheat down the line. I won’t start doing this any time soon, just one day. And maybe sooner than I originally thought I would.

I applied for two jobs yesterday. One would be a part-time job I would work in addition to my current one, and the other would be a full-time job that would replace my current one. I think getting the full-time would be best, not only for the pay and such, but for my health. I would have a steady schedule, and would be able to plan my meals, workouts, and sleep more accurately. Working two jobs would leave me little time to work out, would only give me four hours of sleep a night, and would mess up my eating schedule.

Speaking of messing up my schedules, I agreed to work two overnights this week. I’m sure this is going to mess with me, though I’m not sure how quite yet. I’m hoping I can just treat it as my days being flipped, (getting up at 6 pm instead of am, etc), but I worry it’s going to be more difficult than that. Oh well, we shall see.

Day 18

2010-04-25T09:03:00.001-04:00

So I resisted stepping on the scale this morning. It was difficult, I really wanted to, but I did it. I’ll weigh myself and take my BFP tomorrow, though. Then next week is the weigh in, take two.

I got worried yesterday. Out of no where, this wave of depression just crashed over me. I think on its own it would have been fine, I’m used to it by now, but the fact that I thought I had the bad ones under control just made it worse. Normally I wouldn’t be overly bothered by this—sure, I thought I was getting better, but I can deal with it, no big. But when I get depressed, I eat. Everything I shouldn’t. I didn’t binge, which I was so proud of myself over, but what if that doesn’t happen next time? I’d go to the doctor, but last time I was on an antidepressant, I packed on 20 pounds and felt like I was in a bubble. All I did was sit in front of the computer all day and eat. I was actually more depressed on the pills than I was off them.

I bought the exercise ball yesterday, even though I hadn’t gotten to 10 pounds yet. How I see it, it’s an exercise tool, and I was real close to my reward weight. I just won’t buy anything when I do lose 10 pounds, because I’ve already bought it. I do not want to make a habit of doing this, though.

Anywho, I haven’t done any actual exercises with it yet. I didn’t get home till after 10 last night, so I just had time to blow it up. But I’m sitting and bouncing on it now, and I might do some more when I get home from work.

I’m going to pop into the gym on the way home from work. We get a discount on the sign up fee through my job, and the guy I asked at work thinks it’s only about $32 a month. I won’t be able to sign up for a few months, but if that price is right and I can pay month to month, not have the whole year up at once, I might sign up. I used to be a member when I was in high school, and it’s a really nice gym. And your membership comes with something like five free meetings with a trainer. Even if I don’t go that route, though, there’s still the treadmills, the elliptical machines, the Cybex machines, and there’s a sauna! I used to love the sauna. And it makes a nice reward. I’d tell myself if I worked x amount of time on these machines, I’d get so many minutes in the sauna.

Day 17

2010-04-24T11:10:00.001-04:00

Right, so, making some changes. I stepped on the scale again today to see that it still read 166. I know that’s normal, and that I’m losing weight in a healthy way, so it’s going to be slow going. But I was hoping that the scale would read 165 this morning. More so because I want the exercise ball than anything else. I guess that’s a good sign, right? So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m only going to weigh myself every Monday. At that time I’ll also take my BFP reading. I think I’ll have more success this way. Though I did like posting my weight as each title; it gave me a certain accountability.

Now, as to the days. This whole life change started with a weight loss/wellness program through work. It officially starts May 3, though we were weighed in on April 8. There are two separate challenges (which I’ll touch on later), and two phases of each challenge. The first phase of each runs from May 3 to June 27. Then there is a second, extended phase that runs to December 12. The point of stretching things out is that studies show that it takes at least three months for things to become habit, and they want us to stay healthy for the rest of our lives. There are prizes for each challenge (last year I lost the most out of everyone in my store and won a $25 gift card. I was one person off from making the list of the top 50 in the entire program, which would have been an additional $50 gift card). The grand prize is a $2500 travel voucher, one given to the winner of each challenge.

The weight loss challenge (which they did last year) just stresses the importance of healthy weight. Anyone under a certain BMI wasn’t allowed to participate. They had everyone who wanted to participate come up to the break room, where we were weighed, our blood pressure taken, and our BFP analyzed. We were given sheets with information about where all our numbers should be, and where ours were. Throughout the program, we will have weigh ins to track our progress. Our initial weigh in (which we all thought was April 8, but turns out we’re being reweighed for the challenge next week), a weigh in at week four, and a final weigh in at week 8. Through the extended challenge, we won’t be weighed. We will just have our final weigh in sometime around December 12.

The wellness challenge (which is new this year) is a little different. Everyone was given a little booklet for us to track our daily points in. We get points if we lose or maintain our weight that week (2 pts for losing, 1pt for maintaining), points for moderate intensity exercise each day, points for how many cups of fruit and veggies we get a day, and points for either not smoking or attempting to quit. We tally our points throughout the week, then turn our slips in every two weeks.

In addition, we can earn one time bonus points. We get points for getting an average of 7-8 hours of sleep a night, for doing little online quizzes, for seeing the dentist in the last two years, bushing our teeth twice a day, and flossing once a day, for going to the eye doctor during the last three years, points for taking a stress management quiz, points for having a BMI below 30, and points for taking an online course on prevention. The person with the most points at the end of the program wins the travel voucher, but the overall purpose is to have us all leading healthy lives.

So from April 8 to December 12 is 247 days. 247 days to completely turn my life around. Today we’re 17 days in. Here we go.

166

2010-04-23T07:08:00.001-04:00

I seem to be leveling out in my weight loss. I’m down to a pound about every three days. Which is two pounds a week, which is what I set Lose It! to, so it’s all good.

There is this big debate over on the Lose It! website as to whether or not you should eat your exercise calories. Looks like, at least for me, it’s best not to. And I’ve even subtracted 200 calories from what they recommend for me.

Matt and I went grocery shopping yesterday. The first time we’ve gone together since the diet started. Let me tell you, it was an experience. I kept asking him what it was he wanted (the whole reason he went with me was because he didn’t think I was buying enough of the right things). He kept answering with things like, “24 pizza bites” or, “hot wings and beer.” He looked at whole grain pasta, and was shocked that you only got two ounces. I told him, that and a salad, and you’ll be surprised how full you are. He wasn’t hearing it. So I told him no pasta until he no longer feels he has to eat half the box.

166

2010-04-22T11:14:00.001-04:00

I’m planning on rearranging my bedroom as soon as I’m done with my morning housework, so maybe that will help be burn more than I would today. I’ve noticed that since I started this, my mood has improved ten fold. I’m not as depressed as I normally am. And with this mood improvement comes this…not unhappiness, but more of a displeasure with how the house is currently laid out. And how cluttered it is. The house has had basically the same layout since we moved in almost two years ago. Prior to Monday (when I rearranged my office), the only room where anything had changed was the living room. I’m thinking of tackling that Monday, or maybe I’ll start it today if I have the time. I like how the living room is laid out, I just don’t like how cluttered it is. This is good, though. I’m improving myself physically and emotionally. And you have to be happy with your environment to be happy. Maybe all this will help me get my depression under control.

166

2010-04-21T12:37:00.001-04:00

So I realized yesterday that I haven’t measured myself this time round. I’m thinking I should do that today. Not sure how frequently I’ll re-measure. Maybe once a month, maybe every other month, maybe not till the end. Anywho, here they be:

Chest: 42.5"”
Waist: 37.5”
Hips: 41.5”
Thigh: 22.25”
Bicep: 13”

Well, on the up side, I’ve lost a little over two inches since the last time I measured myself (last year). On the down side, those numbers are much higher than I’d like them to be.

I’ve decided to rework my rewards. I’ve 55 pounds to lose total, so I’m going to go all the way to the end with my planned rewards. Here’s how the list stands at the moment:

10: exercise ball
15: wrist weights
20: new work out DVDs
25: heart rate monitor
30: new work out play list
35: mani/pedi
40: new tattoo
45: movie
50: new work out outfits
55: new wardrobe

I’m hoping I can talk my husband into funding either the tattoo or the wardrobe.

I’m looking into getting a second job. Thing is, if I do, it won’t leave me much time to work out. I’m making my availability for the new jobs 7 – 12. Let’s say I get lucky and get those six hours five days a week. I’d have to leave here at 6. I’d have to get up at 5 just to give me time to get ready. 4 to give me time to work out. I don’t get out of my current job until 9:30, meaning I don’t get home until 10, to bed until 11. That’s five hours a sleep a night. *groans* I need at least seven. But I need the money; eating healthy is so expensive.

167

2010-04-20T12:39:00.001-04:00

I’ve been doing some research on this whole “starvation mode” thing. Not sure what I think about it. Yes, it makes sense: the body is like an engine. The calories are the fuel, but the nutrients are like the oil and grease that keeps things running smoothly. You need all of them, in the right amounts, for your engine to run efficiently. If your engine get’s 30 miles per gallon, you can’t expect it to go 35 miles on a gallon of fuel. Which is where the reserve tanks (fat deposits) come in. The engine burns through that gallon of fuel, then runs the other five miles off the reserve tank. And I’ve totally lost how I was relating this into starvation mode. Whatever.

What concerns me is that last week my calorie deficit was 7540. And I am losing more than what is considered healthy. Of course, on the flip side, I am recording every little thing I do (outside of what is already considered in the PAL). And overweight people tend to lose more than normal sized people. And don’t you lose more weight the first few weeks of a new diet? I really need to get my buns to my doctor and ask them all of this.

I moved my office around yesterday. Took me five hours (and apparently 800 calories), but I got it now so it flows and looks nice. Let me paint the picture of what it was like:

When we moved in, this place is much smaller than our last place (which was smaller than our first place), so much of my stuff was still in boxes, since I didn’t have the room to unpack it. My office is a small room, and I had my bookshelf, a set of drawers with supplies in it, my filing cabinet, and my desk along one wall, and all the boxes crammed floor to ceiling along the other one. Well, I’d had it with only having a small alley of floor space. So I attacked the boxes, getting rid of about 10 of them all together. Now everything that was along the back wall fits neatly in the closet, my desk is facing so I can look out the window, and the floor space is opened up. The room looks so much bigger, and I am very happy with the result. Next Monday I’m going to attack my desk and get the drawers organized.

I’ve noticed that not only am I eating healthier, but I”m living healthier. I’m happier, less depressed, and I’m taking steps to like not only myself, but my environment. Before, if I didn’t like something, I’d sigh and say, “I wish that could change.” Now I’m changing it.

168

2010-04-19T11:10:00.001-04:00

Alright, so this morning (after lots of futzing about, and a few minutes of wanting to chuck my scale out the window) I got on the scale to record my body fat percentage. If you’ll remember, when I first stepped on the scale, my BFP (as it will hence forth be referred to) was 40%. This morning? 38.8%! *dances about* I know that’s not a huge drop, only 1.2%, but still, it’s something!

Lose It! is still proving very helpful. I’ve gone onto the website, and there’s so much more on there. Mainly, the other people trying to lose weight. I know there are other people at work who are doing this weight loss challenge, but they don’t seem as serious about it as I am. And Matt’s trying to lose weight as well, but he waffles between being serious and not. And anytime I talk to him about my weight loss, he wants to know what I weigh. I just don’t feel comfortable telling him, not yet. I know he’s my husband and I should be able to tell him these things, and he’s seen me in my all-together, so it’s not like the numbers should matter, but they do to me. I think it’s more of my insecurities. And I know a lot of it is based on how I see myself.

Matt has a habit of if a larger woman walks by, he’ll say something like, “Damn, she’s big.” And it always hurts me, because often times these women are around my size, or at least the size I see myself as being. I’ve voiced this to him, and he always says the same thing: “You are no where near that big.”

I know I don’t see myself clearly. I look in the mirror, and all I can focus on are the lumps of fat. The rolls that peek out from between my arms and my bra strap; the roll of fat right under my bra, on top of my ribs; the way my love handles poke out over the top of my panties; the way my stomach always creases right at my belly button, as if to make room for all the fat; and the way my thighs bulge and touch half-way down, even when my feet are hip width apart. I’m so blinded by what I see as the faults, that I can’t see what Matt might find attractive. And I know this needs to change. I just don’t know how to change it. I hope that when I lose the weight, I’ll be happier with what I see in the mirror, but what if I’m not? I never was before when I was tiny. Last time I lost weight though, I looked in the mirror and was so giddy because my stomach was a little flatter. For the first time, I went to the mirror, looked at my body, and smiled. I hope it’s like that this time.

169

2010-04-18T07:05:00.001-04:00

I seem to have hit a plateau. I’m trying not to get discouraged by it though. It’s only three days a week in. I can’t expect to keep losing a pound a day. But still, it was a little disappointing to step on that scale this morning and see the same number again. I’m wondering if the hours I’m working (and hence the times I’m having to eat) could be having any effect on my weight. I don’t get out of work until 9:30 some nights, and don’t get home until 10. Which means I eat around 10:30, and I’m in bed between 11 and 12. I’m wondering if maybe I should start bringing something to eat for dinner with me to work. But it’s kind of difficult to eat supper in less than 15 minutes. Taking the time it takes me to get up to the break room and back (about 5 minutes, round trip), then however long it takes the meal to heat, (let’s say 3 minutes), that would only give me 7 minutes to eat my meal.

169

2010-04-17T10:28:00.001-04:00

I seem to be loosing a pound every other day. Is that healthy? It’s probably because this is a new diet. You always lose the most at the start of a new diet.

My iPod is proving to be a very important part of this whole endeavor. I have downloaded three apps in particular that are proving helpful. There’s the BMI calculator, which I use the least. But still, it’s nice to be able to check every once in a while where I stand on that front.

Then there’s this iGoal app, which was very helpful. You put in your height, gender, current weight, what you want to weigh, and when you want to be down to that weight. It will tell you if your goal is possible or not, and if it is dangerous or not. It well tell you your current BMI, and what it is going to be, how many calories to consume a day to maintain your current weight, how many to go through to maintain your goal weight, and how many to go through to get down to your goal weight.

Finally, there’s Lose It, the app I use the most (I think it’s getting more action than my Twitter app). At first I wasn’t going to record everything I eat and do like I did last time, because it took so long looking up what the calories and everything was, and then writing it all down, and adding it up. I probably spent at least 40 minutes a day just recording in that journal. But with the Lose It app, all I have to do is find the food or exercise on a list, and the app does everything else. It has this large database of food, even brand name foods, and an equally large database of exercises. It even saves the ones I’ve used in the past, and saves past meals. So when I have my yogurt in the morning, I don’t have to copy down all the information from the yogurt and the bran buds each time, I can just click on My Meals, and copy it right in there. It takes seconds, and is so much easier. And I like being able to see what all I’ve been doing, and how my calories that I’ve taken in measure against the ones that I’m burning. It will even chart my weight loss. Love it!

169

2010-04-16T11:06:00.001-04:00

Yoplait containers do not work well for me. At least, not for breakfast. I’ve never had a problem with them for any other reason. It’s just that the small mouths of the containers make it difficult to add the bran buds. And I have to eat a few spoonfuls of the yogurt before I can add anything at all. So no more Yoplait for Miki.

So it looks like I’ve lost that first five pounds, so I’m going to reward myself with a pair or two of pretty panties. Really can’t afford any more than that.

Matt and I have been talking about after we’ve lost the weight we want to lose. We’ll both be adding a few more calories into our meals to sort of level us out. According to this iGoal calculator, to maintain 120 pounds, I’ll need 1851 calories a day. I don’t think I’ll go that high. But maybe I’ll add 50 calories to each meal, see where that brings me weight wise. That’d bring me to 1500 calories a day. We were also talking about having one day a week where we don’t count one meal. Where we could go out, say to Applebee’s, and order what we want without fussing about it. Stay within our guidelines for the rest of the week and the rest of that day, but not worry about that one meal. I think it’s a good idea, but only after we’ve lost the weight we want to lose. I mean, we like eating out, and if we deny ourselves too heavily, we’ll just end up frustrated, and this diet won’t work.

170

2010-04-15T09:57:00.001-04:00

I ate a Cadbury Egg last night. I stayed within my calorie limits, but still. See, I’m PMSing, and I was whining about how I wanted chocolate, specifically a Snickers. Matt, trying to be sweet, handed me one of his Cadbury Eggs he had left over from Easter. I hemmed and hawed over it, turning the little chocolate and caramel confection around in my hand for several minutes. I knew I wanted the chocolate, I knew before I would have eaten it without a second thought, but something just didn’t feel right. I was playing with the wrapping, leaning more towards not eating the thing at this point, when Matt took it from me and unwrapped it to look for the nutritional information. He handed it back to me, all unwrapped and milk chocolaty brown, and my resolve broke. I ate it. Very slowly. Much more slowly than I normally would have. And you know what? Even from that first bite, it was in no way satisfying. In fact, the more I ate, the worse I felt. It was eye opening.

I’ve always been the type of person to eat my feelings. If I was upset, I’d eat chocolate or comfort food. If I was happy, I’d celebrate by eating. If I did something I was proud of, I would reward myself with food. I don’t know if it ever really made me feel better, but I still did it any way. I think I needed last night, it was a real turn around for me. For the first time, I went with what was natural for me, I went to ease myself with food, but instead of feeling better, I felt worse.

170

2010-04-14T10:04:00.001-04:00

Well, I’ve done it, the first five pounds. I’m going to wait a few days before I start celebrating, but still. And I won’t be able to go victory shopping until at least Thursday. But that’s not a big deal.

I found a salad I love. The Dole complete salad kits light Ceaser. Sooo yummy, and only 90 calories for a cup and a half. That includes dressing and croutons. So yummy, so filling, so good.

172

2010-04-13T10:40:00.001-04:00

Starting to see some progress. And I’m not so sure it’s water weight any more, as I went through four bottles of water last night alone. I’m thinking once a week I’ll step on the scale so it can measure my body fat percentage, and that’ll tell me how far I’m coming along. I know when they measured me at work it came up as 35.7%, but on this scale it told me I was 40%, so I’ll go by that. Jesus, almost half fat. The scale will also tell me my hydration level, so that’s good too.

174

2010-04-12T13:19:00.001-04:00

So I over slept today. After my work out, it was already lunch time. So I missed breakfast and my first snack. I’m quite full at the moment. If I get hungry later on, like before dinner, I’ll just have an extra snack. If not, I’ve cut 300 calories out of my day.

I’ve been thinking about rewards to do for myself, to keep the motivation up. I figure five pound increments will be fine. So here’s my idea:

5: Pretty panty shopping
10: Pretty bra shopping
15: Mani/pedi
20: Another tattoo

If I loose more than 20, I might just recycle the list again. Or maybe I’ll come up with something else. Who knows.

Lightheadedness

2010-04-11T14:47:00.001-04:00

So I’m thinking I might have to add some more calories into my diet, at least for a week or two. I’m getting very hungry, and at the moment I’m lightheaded. I’m confused, though, because this didn’t happen last year. I went from whatever the hell I was eating right to 1200, and if anything I felt better. What I’m thinking it might be is when I knew I was doing the challenge again, I spent about three weeks eating things that I knew I wouldn’t be able to on the diet. So maybe that jumped my calorie intake, and then the sudden cut is doing wonky things to my body? Meh, I don’t know. Thing is, I’m full right now. I just ate lunch not even an hour ago. So I think I’ll just stay in bed for a bit, then when it comes time for my snack I’ll move around. Sounds like a plan to me.

175

2010-04-11T07:38:00.001-04:00

So I was right, yesterday’s weight-loss was probably water weight, cause it’s back on. Oh well.

I’ve been reasoning with myself that I wasn’t full on starting the diet until today. I’ve been mostly following it, but Friday I had those quesadillas, and actually last night I had one too. I also had a doughnut at work, which I’m trying not to feel guilty over. I’m telling myself that it was my last doughnut—at least for now, possibly forever—and it was a good doughnut to have as a last one. Soft, chewy, perfect. But no more.

I don’t know how well I’m going to fair this time as compared to last. Last year, I was allowed to keep a bottle of water with me at work. I tended to go through about 64oz of water at work alone (that’s the daily recommended amount, by the way). So I really couldn’t get hungry at work, since I was so full up on water. Well, now we’re no longer allowed to have beverages at work, so I maybe go through 8oz during my shift. Which is why I think I gave in and had a doughnut last night. I was so fricking hungry. I wasn’t hungry once last time.

I think I should go to the doctor and get a note so I can have water at work. Not just for the diet reasons, but it’s sort of a pain in the ass to have to run over to the deli several times a night for a couple swallows of water. It’s so much easier to just have that bottle handy and just sip through the night.

173

2010-04-10T12:48:00.001-04:00

So apparently I lost two pounds between today and yesterday. I doubt it’s anything more than water weight, though.

Yesterday I sort of dropped the ball. I made chicken and cheese quesadillas, and ate way more than I should have. I’m trying to reason with myself that I’m not technically starting the diet until Sunday, that right now I’m just easing myself into it, but that’s just a crock.

I found an app on my iPod last night. I put in my height, weight, and activity level, and it’ll tell me how many calories to eat each day to maintain that weight. Then I put in what weight I want to be, and when I want to be that weight by, and it’ll tell me if it’s possible (it’ll even tell me whether it’s dangerous or not), and how many calories I need to cut back to to get to that weight by that time. Then it tells me how many calories I’ll be able to eat to stay at that weight when I get there. So that was very helpful. Apparently, it’s quite possible for me to get down to 120 by December, 12. And that’s at going through 1400+ calories a day. So maybe I’ll be able to get down to 120 by Thanksgiving time.

The thing that worries me, the last time I weighed 120 I was at the height of my bulimia. I don’t know if I should be itching so to get back down to that. I mean, yes, it would be wonderful if I could get down that low in a healthy way, but I don’t want it to become an, “Oh, I have to weigh this amount” issue.

I think that as long as what I eat is healthy, and that I’m full from foods that I know are good for me, I’ll be less tempted to get it out of my system. The thing that scares me is what happens if I go and eat something that I shouldn’t have? Or what if I get down to a weight that I’m happy with, but I start to pack on the pounds again. The last time I had a real strong urge to purge (which sounds funnier than it should) was when Matt took me to Red Lobster. I loved the food, and I was so full, but as I was in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, I so wanted to just turn around, walk back into the stall, and bring everything back up. Matt wouldn’t know, and I knew I could be quiet enough that the hostess wouldn’t hear me. The thing that stopped me? A young woman came in with her kid to change the munchkin’s diaper.

Every once in a while I’ll have thoughts like that. But what happens if I get those thoughts after I’ve lost the weight? I mean, I wasn’t big when I started. I only weighed 135, and I was a size 10. I guess I’m just scared, and I’ll have to trust myself to be strong enough not to give into any temptations I might feel.

175

2010-04-09T09:30:00.000-04:00

We're doing this 8 week weightloss challenge at work, and I figured I'd blog about my experience. What I'm doing, what works, what doesn't.

Last year I lost 20 pounds, but I pretty much fell off the wagon for the last three weeks and went back to eating like I had been. The reason for this fail? Twilight. That's right, I discovered the books, and suddenly Edward and Bella became more important that working out. And once I stopped working out, eating right stopped as well. So here's hoping that the same thing doesn't happen again.

Since last year's plan worked well (until Twilight), I'm going to reuse it. I'm alloting myself 1200 calories a day, divided thus:

Breakfast: 200
Snack: 100
Lunch: 300
Snack: 100
Dinner: 400
Dessert: 100

The thing I'm changing is that I'm not going to require so much excersise. I was working out at least an hour and a half a day. Also, I'm not going to record every little thing I do. Last year, anything that went into my mouth got written down, along with the calories and other nutritional information. My exercise was recorded as well. That's just a pain in the ass.

I'm thinking about recording either weekly or daily videos on my progress. That way I can actually see what I'm loosing. Last time I didn't really notice I was losing the weight until my clothes started falling off.

So, as I'm sure you can tell from the title of this post, I currently weigh 175 pounds. At 5'2", this puts me very much over weight. In fact, my current body fat percentage is 35.7 percent, and my BMI is 32. My body fat percentage should be between 21 and 33 percent, and a high healthy BMI is 24. Which means I've quite a way to go.

Since last year I lost 20 pounds (and that was after falling off the wagon), I'm thinking my goal this year is 30. That'd put me at 145, which I haven't weighed since 10th grade.

Which brings me to my only real concern every time I diet: I'm a recovering bulimic. I haven't done anything in almost six years, but the thoughts are always there. And every time I diet, no matter how healthy it is, a part of me is afraid I'll slip right back into things. It's scary, but it's something I have to face. I'm overweight, and if I don't lose this weight now, it'll only be more difficult to do so down the line. The harder it is, the more the idea of slipping back into old habits will start to appeal. So I just have to trust that I'm strong enough to keep from doing anything stupid.

Well, on that slightly depressing note, I've had my little yogurt and bran buds mix for breakfast today. One 6oz light fruit yogurt with a thrid of a cup of bran buds mixed in: 160 cal.